Digging Within
I keep replaying in my head all the times you were unable to connect with me.
I then would ask myself, "why? Why ?? WHY???"
It's me!!!!! I fucking love you. I cherished you. I hyped you.
Time & time again, I would encourage you.
Give you ideas on how to be better & grow more & reach more people.
You never once had to tell me to tell others about you or to promote you.
I would do it so often that others would get sick of hearing what a talented man you were.
In regular conversations I would always find a way to attach MYLESHiLiFE.COM & tell them about your music.
Because I believe in you!
I have believed in you before we even exchanged one message to one another.
When I began to thrive in the massage industry, giving you a massage week after week, sometimes more than one within one week, you couldn't even "LiKE" my business page on facebook. Even after I told you, you could. Though you would reach for that timeline first thing in the morning, again & again (what a habit), before you even reached for me. Again, I would ask myself, "Why."
Growing into my voice, & networking w/other successful people, I learned that not everyone in my circle, not even those I love the most, would support me. I just refused to believe that you were one of them. I also remember you telling me that you are just not interested in massage, ha. No? Why receive my therapeutic touch if there is no interest? Were you just using me?
After our last fallout, to this day, you've yet been capable to converse with me. Left without a word to my seed. Do you feel no responsibility? Was it always "babysitting" for you like you called it when you said what a waste of time your situation with me was?
You reached out only to ask about one of my recent posts, seriously? Have you not asked yourself why you didn't open up & communicate with me? Why you weren't able to handle getting to the truth of your behavior?
I remember asking you what your preferred method of communicating was so that EYE could follow that. We used to communicate through Twitter. You deleted it & grew resentment. We used to communicate through Facebook but when I realized you were posting things & hiding them from me, simple posts, I deleted my account. I shouldn't have to search for your words on the internet to get an idea of what is going on in your head. I would ask you when I would come home & you would barely say any words to me.
When will you realize that numbing your vulnerability will always leave you (feeling) alone?
You used to be my safe space. I used to open up to you frequently. But then you couldn't even handle that. So I stopped opening up to you. I began to use others in my understanding that you were not everything to me, no matter how many times I told you that you were. I should have listened when you yelled that you were not everything to me. Why would you do that? How could you decide what you were for me?
I feel like a part of an episode of Black Mirror. You just deleted me. No words. No common ground. No compassion. Just removed me from your life. Even my mother asked, why you unfollowed her on Instagram. She asked me what did she do to you? I had no answer for her. & I know you will never provide it for her. So what choice do we have, after loving you? To move on. Without you.
You must understand that I didn't end this relationship. You did, in your habitual refusal to connect with me.
Honestly dig deep & find the root of what we ended up being. Instead of forever like I still dream about.
As much as I love you, I finally love myself more.
& it is in my forgiveness of self & increase of self-love that I learned you still don't know how to love.
I presented vulnerability numerous times & you always met it with resistance. Then I would accept, but only for the moment. Because I care. I have always cared. But I had to learn, too, that it isn't up to me to try to help you. You must help you. You must see that you even need the help. I am grateful that I know I need help, & thankful that you once told me you weren't the one that could. It went from you telling me that nothing was wrong with me to one of the last things I heard from you to me was, "You need help."
How long have you felt that way?
Why was it so hard for you to talk to me?
Why choose to hide behind a screen for the masses & connect with them but not with the woman you shared your offline life with? Is that not a problem? Do you think you need help?
I remember feeling I lost my mother to facebook after previously losing her to the affair she chose to have whilst married. & now I find myself hurting from all the times you turned to facebook instead of turning to me. But you have your life now. All to yourself. You no longer need to log out of me to tune into your algorithm of choice.
All I can do now is pray & write. Pray that you forgive yourself & love yourself more. & since I am a writer, the memories of you will be immortalized. Don't you wish you had the power to create better ones?
It's what I do, every day now. Creating better memories. & I am so grateful.
I then would ask myself, "why? Why ?? WHY???"
It's me!!!!! I fucking love you. I cherished you. I hyped you.
Time & time again, I would encourage you.
Give you ideas on how to be better & grow more & reach more people.
You never once had to tell me to tell others about you or to promote you.
I would do it so often that others would get sick of hearing what a talented man you were.
In regular conversations I would always find a way to attach MYLESHiLiFE.COM & tell them about your music.
Because I believe in you!
I have believed in you before we even exchanged one message to one another.
When I began to thrive in the massage industry, giving you a massage week after week, sometimes more than one within one week, you couldn't even "LiKE" my business page on facebook. Even after I told you, you could. Though you would reach for that timeline first thing in the morning, again & again (what a habit), before you even reached for me. Again, I would ask myself, "Why."
Growing into my voice, & networking w/other successful people, I learned that not everyone in my circle, not even those I love the most, would support me. I just refused to believe that you were one of them. I also remember you telling me that you are just not interested in massage, ha. No? Why receive my therapeutic touch if there is no interest? Were you just using me?
After our last fallout, to this day, you've yet been capable to converse with me. Left without a word to my seed. Do you feel no responsibility? Was it always "babysitting" for you like you called it when you said what a waste of time your situation with me was?
You reached out only to ask about one of my recent posts, seriously? Have you not asked yourself why you didn't open up & communicate with me? Why you weren't able to handle getting to the truth of your behavior?
I remember asking you what your preferred method of communicating was so that EYE could follow that. We used to communicate through Twitter. You deleted it & grew resentment. We used to communicate through Facebook but when I realized you were posting things & hiding them from me, simple posts, I deleted my account. I shouldn't have to search for your words on the internet to get an idea of what is going on in your head. I would ask you when I would come home & you would barely say any words to me.
When will you realize that numbing your vulnerability will always leave you (feeling) alone?
You used to be my safe space. I used to open up to you frequently. But then you couldn't even handle that. So I stopped opening up to you. I began to use others in my understanding that you were not everything to me, no matter how many times I told you that you were. I should have listened when you yelled that you were not everything to me. Why would you do that? How could you decide what you were for me?
I feel like a part of an episode of Black Mirror. You just deleted me. No words. No common ground. No compassion. Just removed me from your life. Even my mother asked, why you unfollowed her on Instagram. She asked me what did she do to you? I had no answer for her. & I know you will never provide it for her. So what choice do we have, after loving you? To move on. Without you.
You must understand that I didn't end this relationship. You did, in your habitual refusal to connect with me.
Honestly dig deep & find the root of what we ended up being. Instead of forever like I still dream about.
As much as I love you, I finally love myself more.
& it is in my forgiveness of self & increase of self-love that I learned you still don't know how to love.
I presented vulnerability numerous times & you always met it with resistance. Then I would accept, but only for the moment. Because I care. I have always cared. But I had to learn, too, that it isn't up to me to try to help you. You must help you. You must see that you even need the help. I am grateful that I know I need help, & thankful that you once told me you weren't the one that could. It went from you telling me that nothing was wrong with me to one of the last things I heard from you to me was, "You need help."
How long have you felt that way?
Why was it so hard for you to talk to me?
Why choose to hide behind a screen for the masses & connect with them but not with the woman you shared your offline life with? Is that not a problem? Do you think you need help?
I remember feeling I lost my mother to facebook after previously losing her to the affair she chose to have whilst married. & now I find myself hurting from all the times you turned to facebook instead of turning to me. But you have your life now. All to yourself. You no longer need to log out of me to tune into your algorithm of choice.
All I can do now is pray & write. Pray that you forgive yourself & love yourself more. & since I am a writer, the memories of you will be immortalized. Don't you wish you had the power to create better ones?
It's what I do, every day now. Creating better memories. & I am so grateful.
