"if i show you, you'll definitely leave"
That's how I feel every time my PTSD shows up & messes our frequency up.
It's a new fear that I have developed, unfortunately, but I'm taking it day by day. I have to.
Personally. Because when you told me you could just leave, I realized how true those words are, especially with how logical I can be & it just whips me back into shape. I am scared of losing you. & I am working extra hard every single day to be better.
I don't want to put you in a position where you get frustrated with me because you haven't been trained to be around someone like myself. The times that you have yelled at me or said words I wish you never did, didn't really come from you. It was very much me, like you said. I am mature enough to own it. & again, I am sorry.
Because I got this negative energy out of you, it has made me check myself before you have to.
I'm also making a stronger effort to not let so much waste occupy my mental. I could very much be using my thoughts in a creative outlet & I am just not used to that. It's been beaten out of me.
& it's hard for me, now, to be able to be productively creative, but I am on my way.
Taking it day by day has allowed me to breathe easier & to smile more.
I want to thank you for always being honest & truthful when it comes to my own behavior.
I want to thank you for your patience, every single day with me.
I need you to continue to work with me so that I can be a better woman.
I need you to know that I desperately want to be better for myself.
& you are instantly thee second person I want to be better for.
You are who I am supposed to be with. I've never had a connection like the one you & I have, before, ever.
& it is without a doubt, the strongest. You just get me. Even when you don't.
I'm just hungry to learn about myself in order to continue studying these patterns of mine.
So that I continue striving for the best version of myself.
'Cause I miss her.
It doesn't feel good to feel lost in my own mind at times.
It's a new fear that I have developed, unfortunately, but I'm taking it day by day. I have to.
Personally. Because when you told me you could just leave, I realized how true those words are, especially with how logical I can be & it just whips me back into shape. I am scared of losing you. & I am working extra hard every single day to be better.
I don't want to put you in a position where you get frustrated with me because you haven't been trained to be around someone like myself. The times that you have yelled at me or said words I wish you never did, didn't really come from you. It was very much me, like you said. I am mature enough to own it. & again, I am sorry.
Because I got this negative energy out of you, it has made me check myself before you have to.
I'm also making a stronger effort to not let so much waste occupy my mental. I could very much be using my thoughts in a creative outlet & I am just not used to that. It's been beaten out of me.
& it's hard for me, now, to be able to be productively creative, but I am on my way.
Taking it day by day has allowed me to breathe easier & to smile more.
I want to thank you for always being honest & truthful when it comes to my own behavior.
I want to thank you for your patience, every single day with me.
I need you to continue to work with me so that I can be a better woman.
I need you to know that I desperately want to be better for myself.
& you are instantly thee second person I want to be better for.
You are who I am supposed to be with. I've never had a connection like the one you & I have, before, ever.
& it is without a doubt, the strongest. You just get me. Even when you don't.
I'm just hungry to learn about myself in order to continue studying these patterns of mine.
So that I continue striving for the best version of myself.
'Cause I miss her.
It doesn't feel good to feel lost in my own mind at times.
