May 23, 2017

It's incredibly hard to talk to anyone I know about it, with the exception  of ****i but I haven't been as open with her as I am with you today. I truly honestly feel very comfortable talking to you about it because you've reignited the connection that I felt when I was beside you. I hate how I can get sometimes, A*****. & most recently my seed has even seen me sad. Inexplicably sad. I remember thinking how important it was for a young boy to never see his mother cry due to the lack of strength as an example that he has from his own father. I applied the pressure to myself & still do at times. However I am being more open with him now, even tho he is only 11. Just about things I go through & why. All with lessons because I hate that I figured a lot out as an adult. & sometimes I think, he's too young to know certain things but then my mother ABANDONED me at 12 & I'm okay, you know? So I know that with my guidance he will be greater than I. Which is the point as a parent :) But yea. It gets hard man. I hate that for me, the root of my mood swings are from my childhood or lack thereof. I even tell myself:

"Jenn get over it!" 

I am thankful that I am very hopeful & will overcome. But I definitely take it day by day because I really do not know what to expect of my mental some days. & sadly I don't even have the funds to actually check myself out. Mentally. I don't know what I could possibly have & it's so scary sometimes when I am crying uncontrollably. Then I get logical as fuck & then I'm ok again. It can be ridiculous, but I know my strength & won't try to take my life again 'cause I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!! I CANNOT convince myself that I went through what I have gone through just to die. Like nah man. It's gotta be something more. Something worth living for. Like, my best years are ahead of me. So that's where I place my Hope at.