Staying Afloat

I don't know why I continue giving these people more power than they know what to do with. I'm still very much tired of these emotional episodes that go from just being heartfelt to a full on break down. Today I couldn't even control the fucking tears from falling from my face. I'm surprised the seed didn't ask me what was wrong or what happened. I just felt alone. As usual. But it weighed heavier today. Folks that claim to be there for me, really aren't & that's always hard for me to swallow even if I've already accepted it. It's always going to be easy to let go of someone when it's your choice, but when someone else stops fucking with you, you get in your head wondering if there's possibly anything that you could have done differently in order to avoid a presently existing predicament. & in my case it wasn't even that serious, honestly. It was just a matter of getting back to me. Just a simple reply. & I find myself, still waiting.

I value others. I value others' time. So when mine isn't respected, I get so ridiculously emotional. & I can't help but to have flashbacks of all of the fucking people whom have fucked me over in life. The past is the past. Leave it there. There's really no advice that I need. I know I can take care of myself. But it doesn't mean I don't still go through it. & frankly, there are times I choose to because I feel like revisiting a familiar setting albeit emotional, will shine light on something I may have missed before. It's kind of like watching a rerun or the same movie again & again. You know the scenes but oh shit, there goes something you didn't notice before.

When I am emotional, I just want to disappear. I don't want anyone else to know something is wrong. I feel as though others got their own shit going so instead of reaching out while I'm crying, I can just discuss it more calmly when I'm no longer letting my emotions rule me. It's fucking tiring. I look outside of myself & want to just shake myself out of it. But by this time, the breakdown has come full force. So I've no more strength in me & must go through it. All the way. If I do decide to open up to another, I feel ashamed & embarrassed thereafter. I feel like most of what I shared is a waste. Or it could've been handled without the dramatics. Without the crybaby. Me.

I don't have experience with unconditional love. Ask me about that unrequited tho, that mothafucka probably on my speed dial still. It's hard for me to accept that if I do, indeed, share a genuine friendship with someone, it isn't a burden for them to let me vent because what I feel, they do as well. Thank you, Bash. I don't have enough experience with people that have my back & so it's hard for me not to feel worthless once I feel I'm done opening up. Then I feel another fear creeping up on me after too. What if they leave me? Again. You gonna be able to handle that, Jenn? You still gonna continue growing into this beautiful beast or will you finally give in to becoming the monster you claim you never would be? Or better yet, once you're figured out, you'll be disposed of. Realizing what a fear that is for me is saddening. Because once folks know how you're wired, they have more power. Even if it is unbeknownst to them or if they choose to never use it against you. It's there. You can be destroyed.

I don't want to be eliminated again. I don't want to keep sharing my story to people that initially are drawn to it only to see my flame fizzle out & their interest unable to be reignited. I just want to be kept. & treasured. Just want to be treated how I treat others. This pain feels so unbearable at times. I'm tired of the reminders. The reminders of how strong I am. How much more of this am I supposed to take? I already know I'm going to be fine but just how much more of this, man, forreal.