I Drive Me Crazy
I'm such a loner when my seed isn't with me. As much as I'd like to use the time without him to catch up with folks or visit them, I end up not wanting to be bothered. Just want to enjoy my own company. & up until a couple of hours ago, I'd say that's exactly what I did with myself today. Enjoyed me. Then someone close to me reached out. & I suddenly felt heavy. I felt weak. I didn't want to be awake anymore. I just wanted to run, type: Forrest Gump. See where it took me type of act. Sigh. I don't know when I will stop asking what's so wrong with me when it's obvious that it's others' wretched energy that manages to consume me. Being used instead of cared for can be so heart crushing. But I suppose it's a lot better than being useless? I don't know. Nor will I ever know. I wasn't born to be that, so I'll never be familiar with the feeling. To be grateful or not to be grateful. To be numb or to appreciate this tumultuous feeling.
You know what else I realizedagain? That I'm alone. That I have no one. To really trust. Why bother? I'll eventually get over it. My smile will continue fooling them all. No one out there as strong as me. With everything I know, with everything I hold inside me combined with all the lives I have changed. & the weight they have left upon me to carry while they move onto success & never look back. Yea, I taught them well. So here I remain. Alone. Just the melody carrying my pain.
So destructive. Music the only thing that can calm me down. Get me right. That & some good dick. But I digress.
& they wonder why my eyes are never met with theirs. Why would I destroy them? I just want to love. I'm tired of getting a taste of it then being abandoned by these vessels that promise forever. I've been living/proving for years how much I don't need a partner. So you have to make me want you.
No one has any idea how much I miss the commitment I'm able to be a part of. I don't even blame them. All I show is how good I'm doing on my own. Why should anyone ask if I need anything right? Wonder Woman ain't got shit on me.
You know what else I realized
So destructive. Music the only thing that can calm me down. Get me right. That & some good dick. But I digress.
& they wonder why my eyes are never met with theirs. Why would I destroy them? I just want to love. I'm tired of getting a taste of it then being abandoned by these vessels that promise forever. I've been living/proving for years how much I don't need a partner. So you have to make me want you.
No one has any idea how much I miss the commitment I'm able to be a part of. I don't even blame them. All I show is how good I'm doing on my own. Why should anyone ask if I need anything right? Wonder Woman ain't got shit on me.
