/ˈdəmē/

• something designed to resemble & serve as a substitute for the real thing

I could never be the real thing. I could never be the one. I could only portray something that someone else desired. But only for a while. I'm only meant for moments at a time. Just a temporary thing. I mean, it wouldn't last. If God truly exists, & He was someone you could talk to whenever you wanted in a physical form, He'd tell you, "There isn't anyone who will stick around for too long w/that one."

Ever love someone so much even after they verbally abuse you. Make you feel exactly as they say you are. A dummy. You think you're worthy & you do so much for other people. & yet, every time someone tells you that you have made an impact on them, you're surprised. It doesn't really hit you in a way that should make you feel better about yourself. You know why? Because there comes along someone to remind you of how worthless you are. A fucking dummy. It has been seven years since anyone I cared for called me that. & again I find myself w/this dilemma of loving someone w/all my heart thinking it's no big deal to call me a dummy. No biggie right? 'Cause I do the same. I ridicule him. I call him stupid from time to time. It's how we get along. That's us getting along. Never praising each other. Nope. Add dummy to the list.

I don't ridicule him. I don't ever call him stupid. I would never even think to call him anything but what he is. What he's shown me. So then I begin to question myself. Just like the man who first called me a dummy seven years ago wanted me to. Just like he said I would. Told me no matter how much time would pass, someone else would see that I'm a dummy. That it wasn't just him. That he wasn't the one being cruel. That I truly was a nobody. Would never be anything in life. That I was incapable of amounting to anything valuable.

All I ever wanted was to feel loved. To feel like I mattered. To feel important. Like I wasn't going to be lied to, again & again. But I'm really just a dummy. College dropout. Single hardworking parent w/a failed marriage because just like they said, 'I got married too young.' I don't know anything. & the consistent reminders of how selective my memory is proves this. The reason I'm my only role model? I was too stupid to look at a better example.

So I strive.

You know, maybe I'll never be fulfilled. I think about that often. How my love is unmatched. How I can make the biggest piece of shit feel like a goddamn king or queen. Yeah, me? The dummy? I have that power. It's my purpose. To remind you of your worth. So who won't fail me & remind me of mine? All I keep getting is flashbacks of the mistreatment from my past. & really, how much longer am I going to have to continue talking about the same thing before I just shake it all off & become something. Before I'm actually taken seriously? I'm just a dummy.