Para Mi Madre

Starts off w/my name. Named after the Flashdance star. My moves. They were written before I became a surprise that tore my mom & biological father apart. I also can't help but think that my Ma's dream was to be a dancer. & that long ago, she gave up on that dream. I haven't discussed this w/her though, it's just a thought. (A thought I may not want to be untrue, hence why I never chose to seek answers). I remember everything that she doesn't. I have memories she wished I'd forget. All the cruel things that she said to me as a child. & all the things she did to me, as if I didn't deserve any love. All the things I witnessed that a child shouldn't. The truth about where I came from. The forbidden love letters. The lies. My God, I thank You for those. The lies helped mold me. Because w/every intent to "protect" me, I just became more perceptive. & yet, she's the woman I've loved the most in my life. The fact that she's had trouble expressing how she feels for me, doesn't mean it changes the effort(s) that I make to show her how much my heart beats for her. I know I'm not her favorite child. & still I try. This will never stop. Her love for me will never amount to the love I have for her & my love will only continue to grow more for her. I don't just remember the bad things. It's just the good things are tainted w/the knowledge I've acquired over the years. Things I recall were far from what they seemed. & yet, the most important things I remember are all the ways I hoped she'd love me. Every situation that tainted me since my first memory of life, I tried to imagine the opposite. Do you have any idea what it's like for a child to live every day in pain, but not recognizing it as pain. Simply being confused, wondering, 'Why me?' Avoiding connections w/other children in order to not be critiqued by them? Sad girl, but living happily in a book she wrote inside her soul? Wanting everyone to read it but realizing every one is blind. I created a life full of love. In my head. & that's what I'm living & sharing w/my seed. Every day, I promise to show him how much he means to me. & that I LIVE for him. I think I'm God. I am God.