Conception
November 13.
My dad is such a G. & he ain't shit simultaneously. See, he's one of the most stubborn persons I've ever met. The most hard-headed person you know? My dad was her/his teacher. He has studied to make you, the one w/the right mind, frustrated. Psyche, my daddy ain't study a day in his life. Nah. He molded me though. Without even being there. Isn't that quite the effect? Quite the power ?? For someone to be gone most of your life, teaching you to be a better you. My dad mastered how to make me love better while expressing discontent towards my ways. I don't think he's ever quite agreed on the woman I have been & currently am. He's even replied w/cruel things when I reach out to connect even further. My dad proud of me? Nope. He's never been. Has he always pushed me to do better when I have provided my best? Yes. ALWAYS. As much work as I have put into my life & for the betterment/progress of others' in my mind, it is NOT enough. i can do better. I Can Do Better. I CAN DO BETTER. Be better. Will. Y'all have no idea the admiration I hold for this man. His best days were w/the love of his life & I've witnessed him at his worst once she left him. Hell, she left us both. Sidetrackin'..
I've heard people tell me to appreciate my parents. Especially those that have lost their own or never grew to know them. People say, they brought me in this world, & raised me. That they have taught me all I know so I should never betray them. Thing is, when I needed them the most, they weren't there. & when I began to build my world, I was already too far gone for them to reach me. I'm not ungrateful. I haven't forgotten the things they have taught me. My best memories were us, as a family. Taking trips, laughing, all of my birthday parties. Best years of my life, carefree livin'. Lie after lie & still I cherished them. As a young lady, I raised myself. I did not have the proper guidance. & only until decades later, did I find the worth in their cruelty. The value in their selfishness. The wisdom in their hate. Most of what I've learned from them came in abundance w/their absence.
My dad though. He's taught me about the most important thing that I hold dear. Love. He's one of the worst to even attempt at expressing anything in relation to Love, but that never made me hate him. It never made me wonder why me. Countless ways to love someone or show what love can be.. He's displayed his pain for me to analyze. Then criticized me for being naive. Ridiculed me for being wrong. Dismissed me for agreeing w/him. I can count in one hand the times he's actually said, "I love you."
He was one of the first men to disrespect me & make me feel that I wasn't going to amount to anything. One of the first people to make me feel stupid. He's made me question my worth. His manipulation didn't tear me down, it only uplifted me. I never dared to disrespect him. He took care of me, when my own mother left me behind. & I'm not even his, biologically. But did he ever treat me any different? Nope. We silently went through a couple of the most traumatic experiences I don't wish upon anyone. But every day, we pulled through. Him & I, under the same household. No one else knew our business. No one inquired about us. He never asked about me & I was always ignored when I asked him how he was doing. My 'I love you's' & I miss you's' never made his deaf ears. He even hated my son the first few years of his life. The man didn't even wish me a Happy Mother's Day until five years after I was doing the damn thang. Told me he couldn't even look at him. & yet, while sharing that w/me, all I wanted to do was let him touch my heart. Allow him to feel how much I love him. How much I cherish him for being there for me when no one else cared to take me in. THIS IS WHY MY FAMILY IS ONLY MY SON & I. It's why I don't linger w/pain the innumerable times I've experienced betrayal. He made me a priority & HE DIDN'T HAVE TO. What a Man. Ha, I just chuckled after mad tears were let out thinking about the only time that he tried to hit me. He spanked me once, open handed slap to my ass. I remember thinking, "Well, what the fuck was that? So rough, didn't even hurt." Then. Like a snake, hypnotically luring Mowgli into slumber & slithering tighter & tighter around his body, the pain STRUCK. Gaaawwwwdaaamn, that shit hurt. He never hurt me again, physically, after that. I think he felt wrong since I wasn't his. I got sidetracked again, huh.
To this day, I long for his affection. But it isn't as important to me anymore. & if anything, I understand why it continues missing. Because I have found myself carrying a lot of the same characteristics as him. Let's stray..
I remember my mom never having to work a day in her life. She cleaned. She cooked. She washed. She did everything for him. Everything. & all she wanted was to be picked up & held. A kiss recognizing her importance. An acknowledgement that her existence was desirable. & he just didn't have it in him. He'd get home, mostly in conversation via cell phone & ignored her glow. He would walk past her in the kitchen the few times he wasn't on his phone, but in his mind, ignoring her eyes that seeked his heart. Until one day, they looked deeply into each other's eyes & she no longer wanted to grow old with him. So when I say, she did EVERYTHING for him, I meant it. Everything including marrying him, only to break all vows soon after. Back on.
Did he ever talk shit about her? No. Was he angry? Yes. Did he ever discuss her w/me? No. When I loathed her, did he share my resentment? No. Did he try many times for me to reconnect w/her? Yes. THAT'S LOVE MAN. You can't tell me that's not love. You can't tell me after experiencing what he experienced, all you had left was love. For a kid that belonged to the bitch who hurt him the most. You just can't make me see how I should have anything less than respect for him. I love him. Love him so much. & when he needs me, I will be able to provide for him.
No greater motivation. Happy Birthday, DAD.
My dad is such a G. & he ain't shit simultaneously. See, he's one of the most stubborn persons I've ever met. The most hard-headed person you know? My dad was her/his teacher. He has studied to make you, the one w/the right mind, frustrated. Psyche, my daddy ain't study a day in his life. Nah. He molded me though. Without even being there. Isn't that quite the effect? Quite the power ?? For someone to be gone most of your life, teaching you to be a better you. My dad mastered how to make me love better while expressing discontent towards my ways. I don't think he's ever quite agreed on the woman I have been & currently am. He's even replied w/cruel things when I reach out to connect even further. My dad proud of me? Nope. He's never been. Has he always pushed me to do better when I have provided my best? Yes. ALWAYS. As much work as I have put into my life & for the betterment/progress of others' in my mind, it is NOT enough. i can do better. I Can Do Better. I CAN DO BETTER. Be better. Will. Y'all have no idea the admiration I hold for this man. His best days were w/the love of his life & I've witnessed him at his worst once she left him. Hell, she left us both. Sidetrackin'..
I've heard people tell me to appreciate my parents. Especially those that have lost their own or never grew to know them. People say, they brought me in this world, & raised me. That they have taught me all I know so I should never betray them. Thing is, when I needed them the most, they weren't there. & when I began to build my world, I was already too far gone for them to reach me. I'm not ungrateful. I haven't forgotten the things they have taught me. My best memories were us, as a family. Taking trips, laughing, all of my birthday parties. Best years of my life, carefree livin'. Lie after lie & still I cherished them. As a young lady, I raised myself. I did not have the proper guidance. & only until decades later, did I find the worth in their cruelty. The value in their selfishness. The wisdom in their hate. Most of what I've learned from them came in abundance w/their absence.
My dad though. He's taught me about the most important thing that I hold dear. Love. He's one of the worst to even attempt at expressing anything in relation to Love, but that never made me hate him. It never made me wonder why me. Countless ways to love someone or show what love can be.. He's displayed his pain for me to analyze. Then criticized me for being naive. Ridiculed me for being wrong. Dismissed me for agreeing w/him. I can count in one hand the times he's actually said, "I love you."
He was one of the first men to disrespect me & make me feel that I wasn't going to amount to anything. One of the first people to make me feel stupid. He's made me question my worth. His manipulation didn't tear me down, it only uplifted me. I never dared to disrespect him. He took care of me, when my own mother left me behind. & I'm not even his, biologically. But did he ever treat me any different? Nope. We silently went through a couple of the most traumatic experiences I don't wish upon anyone. But every day, we pulled through. Him & I, under the same household. No one else knew our business. No one inquired about us. He never asked about me & I was always ignored when I asked him how he was doing. My 'I love you's' & I miss you's' never made his deaf ears. He even hated my son the first few years of his life. The man didn't even wish me a Happy Mother's Day until five years after I was doing the damn thang. Told me he couldn't even look at him. & yet, while sharing that w/me, all I wanted to do was let him touch my heart. Allow him to feel how much I love him. How much I cherish him for being there for me when no one else cared to take me in. THIS IS WHY MY FAMILY IS ONLY MY SON & I. It's why I don't linger w/pain the innumerable times I've experienced betrayal. He made me a priority & HE DIDN'T HAVE TO. What a Man. Ha, I just chuckled after mad tears were let out thinking about the only time that he tried to hit me. He spanked me once, open handed slap to my ass. I remember thinking, "Well, what the fuck was that? So rough, didn't even hurt." Then. Like a snake, hypnotically luring Mowgli into slumber & slithering tighter & tighter around his body, the pain STRUCK. Gaaawwwwdaaamn, that shit hurt. He never hurt me again, physically, after that. I think he felt wrong since I wasn't his. I got sidetracked again, huh.
To this day, I long for his affection. But it isn't as important to me anymore. & if anything, I understand why it continues missing. Because I have found myself carrying a lot of the same characteristics as him. Let's stray..
I remember my mom never having to work a day in her life. She cleaned. She cooked. She washed. She did everything for him. Everything. & all she wanted was to be picked up & held. A kiss recognizing her importance. An acknowledgement that her existence was desirable. & he just didn't have it in him. He'd get home, mostly in conversation via cell phone & ignored her glow. He would walk past her in the kitchen the few times he wasn't on his phone, but in his mind, ignoring her eyes that seeked his heart. Until one day, they looked deeply into each other's eyes & she no longer wanted to grow old with him. So when I say, she did EVERYTHING for him, I meant it. Everything including marrying him, only to break all vows soon after. Back on.
Did he ever talk shit about her? No. Was he angry? Yes. Did he ever discuss her w/me? No. When I loathed her, did he share my resentment? No. Did he try many times for me to reconnect w/her? Yes. THAT'S LOVE MAN. You can't tell me that's not love. You can't tell me after experiencing what he experienced, all you had left was love. For a kid that belonged to the bitch who hurt him the most. You just can't make me see how I should have anything less than respect for him. I love him. Love him so much. & when he needs me, I will be able to provide for him.
No greater motivation. Happy Birthday, DAD.
-Unrequited.
