You Can Hate Me Now

(no diddy)

*Congratulations to Druw for entering two of my favorite authors' Love Letter contest.
I was unable to enter, hence the reason you won.

I'm going to break this "love letter" down w/my own notes as they come along; freestyle.
My own thoughts. My best pieces usually come from doing this
& honestly can't remember the last time I tried this. I've been neglecting you, Skills.
Let's see if I still got this.

**& if you need to reach me, I'm really not hard to find.
I mean, you would have to be fckin stupid if you can't get ahold of me.
Seriously. It's 2012. Let's go.

Dear Love, Anything other than my name, just doesn't touch my fckin' heart anymore. I think of Common's bar: "There's so much in a name, so much more in you." & well, if you use my name it just MATTERS more. [If you know me personally, you know I love to talk & I side-track often (I do have my silent moments though; you should appreciate those)] I am aware that for the sake of this contest, my name wasn't used for anonymity & what not. But everyone fckin' knows. I'm alluring & your thoughts have brought your site more hits. At least that's what you told me. You're welcome. Moving forward.

I continually tell you this, but nothing has changed, so bare with me.

Besides telling you this was over (this love of ours), I've bared w/you. I've given you advice, encouraging words & my support. I'm still here.

You’ve had me from the beginning. The very first time we met, your “Big

Move” sealed the deal. It was only a matter of time and that time came

quick. It was you and I, an inseparable two. Then you introduced me to

your son. Not soon after, your son became my son. We became a Triangle

Offense. All 3 of us hand in hand, with nothing but the future ahead of us.

In so little time, we felt so much. Maybe that’s also why we blew up.

Definitely why we blew up. Stupid decision(s) made b/c our emotions clouded our judgement.

Promises broken.

Both our doing.

Feelings of betrayal.

Your doing.

Love destroyed.

My doing.

I never knew exactly how much I meant to you. DAMN, I loveD you!

By the time I figured it out,

2 years had passed Idiot. and you decided to talk to me again. Even still, you

admit to feeling as though we could reunite and be great. Every time we get together, I've always looked at it as awesome. We get along greatly & I've told you numerous times: as a bf, YOU SUCK. But as a homie, you're a dope dude. Should've listened to my friends from Day One when they'd tell me to stop hangin' w/my ex. But I never looked at you as my ex. You were just a good friend. Didn't take long for me to question your motives though. Whether you were really being a friend to me or just trying to get me back. Which my pride would never allow. You admit you

still love me. Of course, I still do. I still love 4-5's dad & you know the hell I was living w/him. You still feel the love, and it still feels right. Oh, THAT love. Nah. I never felt like I was IN love w/you again. You used the

words “It” and “Soul Mate”. I moved on two years ago & never once felt like I made the wrong decision. Granted, I shouldn't have ended it the way I did (w/o closure), but I ended it & I felt FREE. (Damn, I just remembered the first post I published here right after our ending; empowering).  Even if for only a second, you felt it again, just

like you felt it before. And if it’s still there, why must you suppress it? It's not there. What I felt, was our connection. Something I haven't had w/anyone else. B/c yeah, I'll give it to you, we mesh well. I like what I like, you like what you like & we get each other's references, blah blah. Something I wasn't aware that I was missing until that very second.

Push me away.

 yup.

Deny love.

Yup.

Deny us.

YUP.

You took a chance before, I know it’s a lot to ask, but why not take

another? B/c why should I take another leap of fckin' faith b/c you NOW realize your error(s)? You said it yourself, you hate the getting to know someone phase. Finding out their likes & their dislikes. & you heard it from me: I LOVE THAT. I LOVE THE CHASE. I LOVE GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE FROM THE VERY FCKIN BEGINNING. No doubts. Fresh start..

You said yourself you think it’d work out this time. It’s not a move

backwards. I said it would PROBABLY work, if & ONLY IF I could move on & forgive you(r mistakes). Something I have not been able to do. & at times, refuse to.

We’ve grown.

We grew together.

We grew apart.

The way I see it now, we can only help one another at this point. Be

everything we were supposed to be before. Just give me a chance. A REAL

CHANCE!!! I just will not. You don't deserve it.

No one knows you like I do. True. Simple as that. Hell, no one knows me like you. Truth, once more.

There are a million reasons not to resurrect our love, but I just need you to

believe in 1 reason to start anew. & to be honest, I can't think of that ONE.

We’re living an epic love story. We tore each other apart but now it’s our

time to reconnect. Our time apart has taught us many lessons. We can

take those lessons and put them into action. We are both hurt and scarred.

I know you’re inside your own cage. I want to help free you, as I did once before. The third time might be the charm, but we only need a 2nd try. I no longer believe. & our story isn't epic. It would be, if the connection was made again. "Even if for a second.." right? Nah, I won't give it to you again. I might as well get back w/Andrew's dad then. "Hurt me once, your bad. Hurt me twice, my bad." Nope. I'm good.

I can honestly say I am the man I am today because of you. YOU'RE WELCOME. Does me no good. Just anger building up inside. Another bastard that got it all & took advantage of it. Hope the next chick appreciates it. Y'all both are welcome. Yes, some of it is

just for you, but I realized my change started when I made the change

for myself. That’s something that you wanted me to see from the

beginning. YOU'RE WELCOME. You saw me for both the man that I was and what I could be. Again, does me no kinda good. You got comfortable instead of putting in the same amount of effort that I was putting in. CAN YOU FCKIN IMAGINE FOR A SECOND. JUST IMAGINE W/ME. You try to rebuild your life. You make a plan w/someone (hi, mom) that you both will succeed & strive for it all. Then the plans fail. & you meet someone who convinces you that they will help you. YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO DO IT ALONE. Holy shit. God heard your prayers. You can breathe easy. But wait a minute. Wait a fckin minute. Now you have another mouth to feed, more fckin bills, more hrs at work.... ALL TO COME HOME TO GET THAT SAME PERSON TELL YOU THAT YOU DON'T LOVE HIM LIKE YOU USED TO. YOU DON'T FCKIN' DO THE SAME SHIT YOU USED TO. Things have changed. You ever felt like a soaking rag? Dragged up & down the dirtiest building. Kept getting soaked in the bucket. ALL TO BE SQUEEZED & SQUEEZED & SQUEEZED SOME MORE. Yeah. I felt that. & WHAT'S WORSE!? Is that he knew of someone else that hurt me even more to a much further extent. Draining every last bit of drop left in me until there was no more of me left. He knew my story(ies). Knew everything. & he STILL fcked up. Couldn't keep it together. Couldn't keep me..

That is also the same way I saw in you. I didn’t see your hurt, pain, scars,

and mental blockades. No, I saw the beauty, blah. greatness, Blah. the love, BLAH. the

creativity, blazay. and the depth of your being. Blazay blah. I saw YOU. I still see you, and you

see me. So, let’s see where love takes us. I am seeing where it takes me. & I'm excited. I've been telling you to make yourself available! "You don't know what I do." Yeah, whatever. I know what you post. & it's all about me. Even when it isn't. You said it yourself.

"You take care of me and I’ll take

care of us." & this is fckin Joe Budden's line.

I love you.

“No one will . . .” -Cody ChesnuTT, you're right. No one will, not in your way. But someone will. In a much better way. & I CAN wait for that.

Love,

Druw


How does it feel to get your feelings out for everyone to see?
It's very Soulful Jenn of you. Remember criticizing my blog?
THIS VERY FCKIN BLOG. & now look at you.
What about seeing things you told me in private exposed?
I absolutely dislike seeing you post about every fckin' moment w/me or how it touched you.
We go out for wings or stare at artists perform songs & u go on your site & talk about the woman of your dreams & how beautiful she is.
All the praise you publish that's to me, about me, Me, ME.
& now you win a contest that has people congratulating you?
Hell, even I hit you w/my joy for your achievement.
You didn't even know who Jerome was. But I put you on & you won.
I told you from Day One, I wasn't shit. You believe me now?
Wake up. You're welcome.

I am amazing. I am.