Exhausted Love
The old me: if you see her. Tell her to come back.
From one of the most enlightened days I've had this year to the beginning of the most emotional weekend I am not yet prepared to have. Man. Exhausted. give, Give, GIVE. & though I wanted to always receive, I was never ready to. If that's not a wake up call for that ass, I don't know what to tell you. & as emotional as I was in front of him. All I wanted was someone to talk to. Weird. I wanted an unbiased person to listen to me. I even thought, I wish I could talk to my mom right now. Even though, we have never had the type of conversation I was ready to have at that very moment w/her. It would have just made her cry. & really, she wouldn't have been able to guide me reasonably. Guidance. One thing I long for that I never truly had. Why'd she leave me & take my bro. All of these issues of mine I've grown comfortable w/stem from such a strong foundation. & the root of it all? More than I could handle tonight. tears, Tears, TEARS. Exhausted. So much to think about. Truly. I love when others open up. It's empowering for me. But I was at my weakest tonight. I couldn't share. I was too overwhelmed w/flashbacks of memories I thought I forgot about long ago. Oh, the flashbacks. They were all so negative. Cried so much. Felt, in a way. Maybe I would let the pain go. But every deep & sudden exhale I was breathing some of the pain back in. You & I, Pain. We've been through it, haven't we. I guess like everything else in my life that ends, I don't want us to end. The resources I thought I had haven't been replenished & I sit here empty handed. Hollow. I've just gotten used to you now, Pain. You no longer have the ability to disappoint me. Because I embrace you. I'm not myself w/o you, Pain. You got me. You really got me. Got me to think Love is my side piece. & she's been trying so hard to show me the peace in that piece. But I remain loyal to you, Pain.
From one of the most enlightened days I've had this year to the beginning of the most emotional weekend I am not yet prepared to have. Man. Exhausted. give, Give, GIVE. & though I wanted to always receive, I was never ready to. If that's not a wake up call for that ass, I don't know what to tell you. & as emotional as I was in front of him. All I wanted was someone to talk to. Weird. I wanted an unbiased person to listen to me. I even thought, I wish I could talk to my mom right now. Even though, we have never had the type of conversation I was ready to have at that very moment w/her. It would have just made her cry. & really, she wouldn't have been able to guide me reasonably. Guidance. One thing I long for that I never truly had. Why'd she leave me & take my bro. All of these issues of mine I've grown comfortable w/stem from such a strong foundation. & the root of it all? More than I could handle tonight. tears, Tears, TEARS. Exhausted. So much to think about. Truly. I love when others open up. It's empowering for me. But I was at my weakest tonight. I couldn't share. I was too overwhelmed w/flashbacks of memories I thought I forgot about long ago. Oh, the flashbacks. They were all so negative. Cried so much. Felt, in a way. Maybe I would let the pain go. But every deep & sudden exhale I was breathing some of the pain back in. You & I, Pain. We've been through it, haven't we. I guess like everything else in my life that ends, I don't want us to end. The resources I thought I had haven't been replenished & I sit here empty handed. Hollow. I've just gotten used to you now, Pain. You no longer have the ability to disappoint me. Because I embrace you. I'm not myself w/o you, Pain. You got me. You really got me. Got me to think Love is my side piece. & she's been trying so hard to show me the peace in that piece. But I remain loyal to you, Pain.
Exhausted.
P.S. I'm sorry I don't see what you see in me. Sincerely.
