But..

I don't remember crying this much when I was with you. I don't remember reminiscing about the past so much when we lived together. I remember holding you, smiling w/you, talking to you. I don't remember being depressed w/you. I don't remember feeling lonely w/you. But there was always something missing. & since my love for you has long ago traveled onward, I find myself missing you. But not missing what we had. You. It was just so easy for me to talk to you. Easy for me to open up. I told you a lot of shit that I probably won't repeat to another. But not sharing those parts about me will prohibit us from moving forward together. I already know. Holding back as I release these tears isn't going to do me any good. But I tried! & while I was waiting for him to call me, I was reciting what I would say. Over & over in my head. & once I heard his voice, I couldn't. Then I thought of you. Wanted to reach out to you. But for what? You're not who I want. Perhaps it's just because you already knew the part of me that I was having so much difficulty in sharing tonight that I wouldn't even really have to say anything. You would just know. & that, I imagine would be very comforting. But I don't want that from you. I want that from him. & he can provide that. But I'm standing in the way. Standing strongly in the way.