Feelings

Should I stay or should I go. Effortless love, or working hard to doubt. To pull something out of nothing. To think of the shit I've done for you & you.... only to end up alone. & even more tarnished. I should be angry. I should be bitter. I should be careless. To joke around w/you. To still share important parts of my life w/you. I mean you seem sincere in asking but then I don't hear from you. Or it's twisted on the web. People wonder why I'm so closed off. Why tf should I trust you? It's all the same story. I've told it plenty of times to numerous people that aren't even in my life anymore. So for what? Open up for what? So you could understand me? Again, for what? Just gonna leave anyway. Not now, maybe not for awhile. But eventually. It always ends up that way. Never fails. So I learned to live w/myself for awhile. Figured out my flaws. Figured what it was that I wouldn't change & what I needed to change (in order to survive). I've lost so much of myself, there's always a moment in every day that I think about who I used to be. & how weak I was to allow another to change me so drastically. Who am I now? There's days I think I know, other days I'm still searching. How can I expect you to be patient w/me when I'm not even patient w/myself? Losing optimistic Jenn. I feel like the disease inside me is beginning to show on the outside. Everything I tried to hide before is making its way out. & I'm not ready. Not prepared. But it's all in my head right?