Say It

Sometimes I feel like an egg. Fragile, chillin'. Waitin' for the day that someone is going to make me crack. I am still unable to open up on my own on days/nights in which I need to. I have a couple friends that reassure me often how much I can count on them. But betrayal has always followed closely behind. Doesn't matter how many years you create memories w/someone, it just ends up fried eventually. It's weird though because for the most part, I AM an open book. Things that others wouldn't share about themselves, I willingly disclose. & I don't do that in hopes that they don't say anything but simply because it is very important to me to keep the lines of communication open & sincere. Lately though. Lately, I've been finding myself holding in all these thoughts of mine inside. There were a couple days last month that I not only kept them in, but I tried hard to find other things to do in order to have me forget or get over it quicker. At the same time, I knew what I was doing. I knew that no matter how much I tried, that even if successful, there would be another day similar to the one I was already having. Sooner or later, those kind of days continue to make their way. I acknowledge my thoughts for the most part & try to find a solution. But having a reliable human being that you can trust can be a whole lot more helpful.

Sometimes I feel out of breath. The panic that you have when you're underwater & you're seconds closer to the surface. You're so eager to get there, just to get at least one breath. & yet, you'd never even know how breakable I am. THIS point in my life. I'd say I'm the most delicate. & this is why. Because NOW I know the reasons why I am the way that I am. I know what the many things that I have allowed to change me, are. I remember them happening to me & seeing the concoctions within me taking place almost immediately. & the end result has made me even more frail. This is how I see myself. Weak. But those who know my story let me know how much I'm looked upon & how strong I really am. Guess you are your own worst critic. I still think I have so much potential, so much more work to do. Difference from now & a couple of years ago is that I'm ready for the rest of my strength to be tested. Before, I didn't know what to expect no matter how hard I prepared for - well. Anything. Poised for action.