Embracing Change

What do you do when he means well but your heart has not & will not be his again?

I dislike being in this position. There comes a time when you just NEED to be apart. Not to "realize what you had," but to regroup & regain possession of your focus. You have a vision of yourself, of where you'd like to be, what you'd like to become & seeking the tools to get you there & all of a sudden you're in love with someone who doesn't have it all together either. & you think to yourself, "Where did I go wrong?" "Why did I let myself fall so hard?" "Why did I give another "man" my all?" I learned that even when you have your list of "What I Deserve," Love will find you. It's where you want that love to be directed that matters. I firmly believe one has a choice when it comes to Love. There are so many factors that come into play when it comes to Commitment. & you MUST maintain a clear mind in order to make the right choices. Emotion will only cloud your judgement & I TOLD myself I wouldn't get there again.

So I let him go.

I promise THEE' minute I did, my peace of mind was acquired almost instantly. I felt HAPPY. I felt it was the right choice. I deserve better. It is best for my family. & though he doesn't see it now &/or won't see it later, this was/is best for him. I know who I am, I know what I am capable of & I'm constantly reminded of what a great person I am through others. It isn't good to keep those kind of thoughts in mind all the time because I am NOT nor will I ever be Perfect. There are things I need to work on, for myself. Things that will not only bring progress but as time goes by so will a reminder. A reminder that I still have room for improvement, that I can BE even more extraordinary.

Boy, is it unpleasant (though familiar) to be disappointed though. It sucks to tell someone about yourself-again, open up completely-again, share your dreams & goals-again & plan your life with him, all to just turn into ash. Then you think about how simple it was & how the fallout could have been prevented. Then the blame resides, the guilt lives within.

If I wasn't sure before I'm even more sure now that I will definitely end up alone. Call it being bitter, call it giving up, call it being weak..Frankly, I don't care. I am a complex individual that through patience & time, you will understand me & think I'm not that complicated at all. But as we are our worst critics, I currently have a strong belief that I won't find a Man who will love me completely. See...

I'm not alone. I am a package. I have the biggest blessing in my life who just turned four this month & it isn't a good idea to bring different men into his life. I've always been great about this philosophy & could care less how much the other sex would LOVE to meet him. He's MY son & when I feel that it's time for you two to interact, you will. But for the time being, you'll be dealing with me. Then I think, I really don't need anyone. I would like one, sure. No one likes to be alone. But the necessity is nonexistent.

I know what it's like to do things on your own without any help. To have nothing but your health & a baby's health in your hands & convert it into SUCCESS. I've sacrificed so much, struggled tremendously & my drive is incredible. [Confession: I don't even know what I want to be when I grow up!] Sadly, I didn't have a choice when shit hit the fan numerous times in my life. I basically had to pick other people's pieces up & create more to see the puzzle in its entirety. I'm nowhere near finished with this puzzle & I couldn't be any more excited at my present & future.

In many ways, letting go has shown me how weak I was, am & will possibly continue to be. But damn, I'm one strong woman. With every experience, every moment cherished, I have learned. & as long as you acknowledge the lesson & plant it in your garden of growth, there truly is no limit to how far you will go.

I have no regrets & I smile daily. I am blessed. I am happy. I still love. I will continue to stay true to myself as well as remain hopeful. There really isn't anyone or anything to stop me. Not even myself.

Follow your heart & soul. Live life. Sigh happily. You're still here.