Undeserved Tribute

As a child, my mother showed me unconditional love. She showed me she was on my side up until I was 4 and a half I'd say. See that's when my brother was born. Up until then, I was even accompanied to kindergarden every single day. I remember parts of my preschool days, all without her. Anyway, due to my parents getting it on again, enter: Carlos. During his youngest years, I was shown betrayal & hatred.

My love is incredible. I just know. I wasn't

taught. More often than not, I was shown

how love has been abused & I had to

figure out for myself what was wrong

& what was right. I still do.

This lady is the best friend I'll always have but she's almost the worst mother at times. It hurts me so much to say that. Let alone, share. [Reminder to self: only two people a month check this shit, but still.] There are many examples I can give that I won't disclose because this is her life & not mine. Though it involves me & it has affected the way that I am as well as the decisions I make, it still isn't fair. What makes me thee' most angriest is how much I care. & in turn, what pains me the most is how much she does not. I just know that I won't ever abandon her like she did me twice (in more ways than one). I was told by an old friend that I should be able to talk to her about it but truth is, it will just be one angry crying fest. & I just rather not put myself through that. Sometimes holding everything in is a good idea. LOL.

All jokes aside, her & I have MANY similarities. I'm sure I won't be able to think of them all now but I'm sure I can think of a few. Let's see. *puts thinking cap on*

1. As teenagers, we were independent & lived w/o parental supervision.
2. At age 19, we had a child.
3. The 1st man we chose to settle down for led to a failed marriage.
4. Our favorite flower is the Sunflower.
5. We love art as much as we love the beach & music. [okay, maybe this one doesn't count, though true.]
6. We're wise beyond our years yet won't take our own advice.
7. We've allowed ourselves to be in abusive relationship(s).
   

There's more, trust me. I catch them at random times & never write them down. Anyway, I have my reasons for the things I still plan to do for her. Those that know me think I'm giving her too much credit & she doesn't deserve what I already do for her but I mean. She's my mom. She provided a memory such as being 8 years young & her yelling at me telling me I was a mistake & she hated me. That I ruined her life.

But she's my mom. That's all I have to say. & that makes me difficult to understand when there's so many small things that others have done & can do that will make me turn my back & never look back. I don't know. It's just the way that I am. Who knows what the future holds for me.

I thank her for the reason I am the way that I am.

Mostly, I thank myself.