Knowledge of Self
For about a yr now [last half of last year & beginning of this year], I've been heartless. Forget Kanye, listen. I was on my anti-social shit. On my grind, converse w/strangers but purely w/money on my mind. Acknowledging others' feelings yet making mine a priority. I tried to figure out why I was the way I was. Many times I had an answer, other times I was back to questioning myself. Then Joe Budden provided therapy for me again.
[Shouts to M* over @ SunriseSundown.blogspot.com for calling me a Joe Budden stan.. Beeyotch!!]
Anyway..
· Happy Holidays (let ME break it down, Let ME Relate)
"I don't need a party but a nigga need cake"
· Sadly, a part of me still feels like I just need money, not attention. Unless the attention is gettin' me paid. [See?]
"Cause I got to much on my plate to celebrate"
· I can just sigh here because it's how I FEEL. Daily.
"Whole family unemployed so income's now a void. Footin' everybody's bills, so naturally I'm annoyed"
· I can't even begin to tell you how I felt as I heard these words. Like, word?! I FUCKIN' FEEL THIS! Check my past blogs, seem like all I did was fuckin' complain! Smh. Livin' w/Mother, Brother, Brother & occasionally the love of my life. & yet I can't give my one my time because I must take care of the rest w/o asking for ANYTHING in return. My attitude changed. My already rough exterior became steel & was purposely throwin shots out in order to get shot back.
*forehead on right hand*
& to walk amongst my fam irritated as fuck because even though I don't ask for a thing I can't get a Thank You! I can't get a hug?! I can't get a "How are you, Jenny?!"
*teary-eyed*
"It's like the year kinda flew by & like a fool I sat back & scrutinized"
· I live my life, day by day I take it. & I'm getting older. Don't mean to be obvious but I'm just sayin' I know I'm still young [22, folks] but my daily routine is making me age quicker than I expected. I look back this yr & all I see is work in my crystal ball. So I think of what's wrong, what I did wrong, what I could have changed... smh.
"I'm high beaming on a dark road; All my goals now ashes on charcoal.."
· I know this can't be IT for me. It can't. It must not be. It shouldn't!
*sigh*
I remember a young [naive] girl w/plans of going to college, graduating, seeing pride in my father & mother's eyes for the first time in my life.
"Just cause my hearts cold; I'm carrying cargo"
& instead I stand working two jobs, rarely sleeping, single parent of a beautiful boy w/a failed marriage in my closet.
"No offense. Don't need a phone call or presents. I mean, honestly, I don't want none of ya'll present. 'Cause I won't pretend like my everyday struggles went away so imma treat this like any normal day."
· My smile, so genuine, yet such a disguise. My eyes though, for those who take the time to look into, will share struggle & truth. Thing is, I wouldn't allow you to look into my eyes. I didn't want you around. YOU didn't deserve my time. My time was worth more than your pathetic lifestyle. Just another day, though. Not even thankful for it, just alive.
*!* Random fact: April & December were always my favorite months. Because those were the times I'd visit my family in Mexico..
BARRA DE NAVIDAD, JALISCO EHHHH!
Oh.
Yeah, so This Month. I've changed drastically! To my knowledge anyway. I've been in high spirits, feeling positive, a want has shown itself to spend more time w/those I reside with. I've placed myself in their shoes & have become more understanding. I've grown accustomed to my work schedule & am accepting of it [well, some days hehe.. I be tired sometimes, sheesh!] I'm thankful every day I get the opportunity to provide for my babies [mom, bros, love]. It's a beautiful struggle once again.
& God, I thank You for testing me. I thank You for making me so strong. I thank You for holding me tightly when I felt alone. I thank You for reminding me daily of what I do have. Thank You for gratitude.
Oh Lord, why is it so hard to hold onto faith though?
Why is it so easy to refuse to believe You exist?
God..
You there?
[Shouts to M* over @ SunriseSundown.blogspot.com for calling me a Joe Budden stan.. Beeyotch!!]
Anyway..
· Happy Holidays (let ME break it down, Let ME Relate)
"I don't need a party but a nigga need cake"
· Sadly, a part of me still feels like I just need money, not attention. Unless the attention is gettin' me paid. [See?]
"Cause I got to much on my plate to celebrate"
· I can just sigh here because it's how I FEEL. Daily.
"Whole family unemployed so income's now a void. Footin' everybody's bills, so naturally I'm annoyed"
· I can't even begin to tell you how I felt as I heard these words. Like, word?! I FUCKIN' FEEL THIS! Check my past blogs, seem like all I did was fuckin' complain! Smh. Livin' w/Mother, Brother, Brother & occasionally the love of my life. & yet I can't give my one my time because I must take care of the rest w/o asking for ANYTHING in return. My attitude changed. My already rough exterior became steel & was purposely throwin shots out in order to get shot back.
*forehead on right hand*
& to walk amongst my fam irritated as fuck because even though I don't ask for a thing I can't get a Thank You! I can't get a hug?! I can't get a "How are you, Jenny?!"
*teary-eyed*
"It's like the year kinda flew by & like a fool I sat back & scrutinized"
· I live my life, day by day I take it. & I'm getting older. Don't mean to be obvious but I'm just sayin' I know I'm still young [22, folks] but my daily routine is making me age quicker than I expected. I look back this yr & all I see is work in my crystal ball. So I think of what's wrong, what I did wrong, what I could have changed... smh.
"I'm high beaming on a dark road; All my goals now ashes on charcoal.."
· I know this can't be IT for me. It can't. It must not be. It shouldn't!
*sigh*
I remember a young [naive] girl w/plans of going to college, graduating, seeing pride in my father & mother's eyes for the first time in my life.
"Just cause my hearts cold; I'm carrying cargo"
& instead I stand working two jobs, rarely sleeping, single parent of a beautiful boy w/a failed marriage in my closet.
"No offense. Don't need a phone call or presents. I mean, honestly, I don't want none of ya'll present. 'Cause I won't pretend like my everyday struggles went away so imma treat this like any normal day."
· My smile, so genuine, yet such a disguise. My eyes though, for those who take the time to look into, will share struggle & truth. Thing is, I wouldn't allow you to look into my eyes. I didn't want you around. YOU didn't deserve my time. My time was worth more than your pathetic lifestyle. Just another day, though. Not even thankful for it, just alive.
*!* Random fact: April & December were always my favorite months. Because those were the times I'd visit my family in Mexico..
BARRA DE NAVIDAD, JALISCO EHHHH!
Oh.
Yeah, so This Month. I've changed drastically! To my knowledge anyway. I've been in high spirits, feeling positive, a want has shown itself to spend more time w/those I reside with. I've placed myself in their shoes & have become more understanding. I've grown accustomed to my work schedule & am accepting of it [well, some days hehe.. I be tired sometimes, sheesh!] I'm thankful every day I get the opportunity to provide for my babies [mom, bros, love]. It's a beautiful struggle once again.
& God, I thank You for testing me. I thank You for making me so strong. I thank You for holding me tightly when I felt alone. I thank You for reminding me daily of what I do have. Thank You for gratitude.
Oh Lord, why is it so hard to hold onto faith though?
Why is it so easy to refuse to believe You exist?
God..
You there?
