My Dad
I've never met my biological daddy.. Hoping I will find him this year and just HOLD HIM. Tell him I'm not angry, I don't hate him, that I WANT to get to know him! Anyway.
My dad, the step-father, will always be my dad. He's been there since I was 3 years old. He's always respected me, although sometimes extreme usage of strict criticism, I know it's because he always saw me as his own; therefore the need to protect me was deeply installed inside him.
Him & I never had a close relationship. Not a lot of communication. He was always working. I was always in school: studying and/or participating in extracurricular activities. And if he & I happened to be in the house at the same time, I'd be in my room with the door closed & locked while he was *shrugs*
I can say that I tried to have a relationship with him but I'm admitting that I didn't try as hard as I could have.
Dinners with him were awkward. If I didn't speak, it was just me listening to him talk on his phone. If I did have something to say, it was just me listening to him talk on his phone. I remember telling him I had something important to discuss with him and he'd nod. Then he'd just pull his cell phone out. That's when I knew, he didn't have time.
Financially? He was always there. He always took care of me. In that sense anyway. Well here's the turn-around. I went to see him recently, and we talked and talked and talked! I even broke down in front of him and he was there! HE WAS THERE!! It was so beautiful. Just. To have someone just listen to you. Even if you're WRONG!! Just remaining quiet and listening carefully to each and every single word. To care! Oh man I can't stress enough how great it felt to just look into his eyes and share everything that was going on. It even felt good to ask for his help! Wow. Me. Asking for help. That's an astoundingly rare event.
He asked me, "How are you?"
I don't get asked that often. I get "How are things?" or "How's everything?" but not many have the time to actually hear my answer of how I really am, let alone: care. So when he asked me, it kind of threw me off. Like, oh! Should I tell him the truth? Should I give him the one word answer then nod needlessly? Should I give him more words but all pretty much bullshit?
Well, I was feeling like an open book that evening. An aggressive, risk-maker as well. I had prayed to have someone to talk to, if just for a few minutes. Someone that mattered to me and I mattered to them. Never thought my dad would be the one to fulfill me.
Wow I'm tearing up as I type this.
So he asked me. How are you?
And I. I. I just. Let. Him. Know.
I WANTED him to know that I wasn't doing well. That. Financially, I was great. Well, I could be better but I'm great, considering the times. But me. What makes me, me was missing. That I missed myself. That I was just making money & my heart was still beating somehow. That I'm forgetting how to feel. That I don't talk to people I really want to keep in touch with. That I didn't have time to live my life. And most of all: I was tired. So tired. He didn't know the extent until he looked at me and I was shedding tears. He couldn't hear it in my voice but I was already crying. Speaking normal, no crack, no change of tone, no pauses, smooth flow and tears running down my face. I looked at him and said, "Dad. I need help. If I keep working & "living" the way I have been for the last two years, I don't know if I will last." And he looked at me and said, "Jenny. I don't know. I don't know what to do about your situation."
Strangely, those were the best words I could have heard. I was in need of a physical being so much that the fact that he listened and said ANYTHING meant so MUCH to me. I was. Complete. Here I was, telling him about what I was having problems with and my solutions to those problems and I was happy! Nothing was resolved but I was happy!
Because of our lack of communication we both learned to read our looks and what they mean. He loves me so much. And he's one man I respect the most. As much as we disagree on countless issues, he took care of me that evening in a way he never dared to. In a way I never allowed him to before.
My dad, the step-father, will always be my dad. He's been there since I was 3 years old. He's always respected me, although sometimes extreme usage of strict criticism, I know it's because he always saw me as his own; therefore the need to protect me was deeply installed inside him.
Him & I never had a close relationship. Not a lot of communication. He was always working. I was always in school: studying and/or participating in extracurricular activities. And if he & I happened to be in the house at the same time, I'd be in my room with the door closed & locked while he was *shrugs*
I can say that I tried to have a relationship with him but I'm admitting that I didn't try as hard as I could have.
Dinners with him were awkward. If I didn't speak, it was just me listening to him talk on his phone. If I did have something to say, it was just me listening to him talk on his phone. I remember telling him I had something important to discuss with him and he'd nod. Then he'd just pull his cell phone out. That's when I knew, he didn't have time.
Financially? He was always there. He always took care of me. In that sense anyway. Well here's the turn-around. I went to see him recently, and we talked and talked and talked! I even broke down in front of him and he was there! HE WAS THERE!! It was so beautiful. Just. To have someone just listen to you. Even if you're WRONG!! Just remaining quiet and listening carefully to each and every single word. To care! Oh man I can't stress enough how great it felt to just look into his eyes and share everything that was going on. It even felt good to ask for his help! Wow. Me. Asking for help. That's an astoundingly rare event.
He asked me, "How are you?"
I don't get asked that often. I get "How are things?" or "How's everything?" but not many have the time to actually hear my answer of how I really am, let alone: care. So when he asked me, it kind of threw me off. Like, oh! Should I tell him the truth? Should I give him the one word answer then nod needlessly? Should I give him more words but all pretty much bullshit?
Well, I was feeling like an open book that evening. An aggressive, risk-maker as well. I had prayed to have someone to talk to, if just for a few minutes. Someone that mattered to me and I mattered to them. Never thought my dad would be the one to fulfill me.
Wow I'm tearing up as I type this.
So he asked me. How are you?
And I. I. I just. Let. Him. Know.
I WANTED him to know that I wasn't doing well. That. Financially, I was great. Well, I could be better but I'm great, considering the times. But me. What makes me, me was missing. That I missed myself. That I was just making money & my heart was still beating somehow. That I'm forgetting how to feel. That I don't talk to people I really want to keep in touch with. That I didn't have time to live my life. And most of all: I was tired. So tired. He didn't know the extent until he looked at me and I was shedding tears. He couldn't hear it in my voice but I was already crying. Speaking normal, no crack, no change of tone, no pauses, smooth flow and tears running down my face. I looked at him and said, "Dad. I need help. If I keep working & "living" the way I have been for the last two years, I don't know if I will last." And he looked at me and said, "Jenny. I don't know. I don't know what to do about your situation."
Strangely, those were the best words I could have heard. I was in need of a physical being so much that the fact that he listened and said ANYTHING meant so MUCH to me. I was. Complete. Here I was, telling him about what I was having problems with and my solutions to those problems and I was happy! Nothing was resolved but I was happy!
Because of our lack of communication we both learned to read our looks and what they mean. He loves me so much. And he's one man I respect the most. As much as we disagree on countless issues, he took care of me that evening in a way he never dared to. In a way I never allowed him to before.
