Truth or Dare.
Remember that game? Playing with your peers being extra giggly waiting your turn to choose.
Anyway. I don't know what to do with my life. There I said it. I have a FEW wants. But sadly those wants have a price and it's slowly having an effect on me. It's gradual agonizing pain inside me. Whenever I'm cleaning, which is often, I think a lot about everyone and everything in the world. And how it affects me. It usually ends with those closest to me, not on a trust issue, I mean who I see, who I live with. And they can be so careless most times. I FEEL like I can't possibly have anymore strength to work and care FOR them. I'm the only one who actually works in the household, so it's a bi-weekly check. Then there's my brother who gets a $200 allowance and when I mention him getting a job he flips out. It's like damn son practice pride and vanity but u can't actually earn your money? What's the extra money on the side for? It would ACTUALLY be EXTRA money. Not like how we're all livin' now. Where at the end of the month we're barely making it. Everything's paid for, food [enough for the babies, always (note: no mention of the adults' eating habits, if any)], but then what about things we would like to have. I mean, is that called selfish? Is that called being ungrateful? I am incredibly thankful everytime a past due bill has been paid completely and I don't have to worry about it until next month. Or so I think. As soon as it's paid, I take a minute to thank God. I mean, damn Jen! You're more fortunate than hell'a others! Then the next few minutes are, well I can't go grocery shopping, do we have milk at the house? Do we have quarters for laundry? Then it comes. The stress. And it's ever so consistent, the stress. I FEEL 37. Not 22. Like my shoulders can only carry so much. And why on Earth am I still caring about those closest to me? When all they do is eat the food I buy, use the quarters I get for themselves w/o thinking, "hm, who got these? Maybe she needs em." Nah. When all they do is ask me when am I going to sign a contract for the cable when we can BARELY MAKE ENDS MEET ON THE SHIT WE ALREADY HAVE. It's fuckin' unbelievable. Sometimes I'M the one teaching my mother lessons. I shouldn't have to do that. Who the FUCK is there for me? I NEED SOMEONE. To save me. Man that was so hard to admit. I'm strong, yes. But here's the thing. If I stop, there's nothing else. No one else. It's just them saying there's no money and we all need money. I don't NEED money. I NEED help. Help me with the bills. Help me with the lack of communication between us. Help me open up to you. Help me have a relationship with you and not just converse with you when it's that time of the month again to sign a check. I'm left with nothing. Every two weeks I'm left with nothing. It'd be nice to have company, to have someone that is going to talk with me about anything. And understand me. Not just be there because they need something. I can help you. I do help you. If I'm tired, if I have something important going on, guess what? I'M YOURS. You got my time.
Damn! I needed to type this. Cuz I just got my answer.
DEEP BREATH.
Anyway. I don't know what to do with my life. There I said it. I have a FEW wants. But sadly those wants have a price and it's slowly having an effect on me. It's gradual agonizing pain inside me. Whenever I'm cleaning, which is often, I think a lot about everyone and everything in the world. And how it affects me. It usually ends with those closest to me, not on a trust issue, I mean who I see, who I live with. And they can be so careless most times. I FEEL like I can't possibly have anymore strength to work and care FOR them. I'm the only one who actually works in the household, so it's a bi-weekly check. Then there's my brother who gets a $200 allowance and when I mention him getting a job he flips out. It's like damn son practice pride and vanity but u can't actually earn your money? What's the extra money on the side for? It would ACTUALLY be EXTRA money. Not like how we're all livin' now. Where at the end of the month we're barely making it. Everything's paid for, food [enough for the babies, always (note: no mention of the adults' eating habits, if any)], but then what about things we would like to have. I mean, is that called selfish? Is that called being ungrateful? I am incredibly thankful everytime a past due bill has been paid completely and I don't have to worry about it until next month. Or so I think. As soon as it's paid, I take a minute to thank God. I mean, damn Jen! You're more fortunate than hell'a others! Then the next few minutes are, well I can't go grocery shopping, do we have milk at the house? Do we have quarters for laundry? Then it comes. The stress. And it's ever so consistent, the stress. I FEEL 37. Not 22. Like my shoulders can only carry so much. And why on Earth am I still caring about those closest to me? When all they do is eat the food I buy, use the quarters I get for themselves w/o thinking, "hm, who got these? Maybe she needs em." Nah. When all they do is ask me when am I going to sign a contract for the cable when we can BARELY MAKE ENDS MEET ON THE SHIT WE ALREADY HAVE. It's fuckin' unbelievable. Sometimes I'M the one teaching my mother lessons. I shouldn't have to do that. Who the FUCK is there for me? I NEED SOMEONE. To save me. Man that was so hard to admit. I'm strong, yes. But here's the thing. If I stop, there's nothing else. No one else. It's just them saying there's no money and we all need money. I don't NEED money. I NEED help. Help me with the bills. Help me with the lack of communication between us. Help me open up to you. Help me have a relationship with you and not just converse with you when it's that time of the month again to sign a check. I'm left with nothing. Every two weeks I'm left with nothing. It'd be nice to have company, to have someone that is going to talk with me about anything. And understand me. Not just be there because they need something. I can help you. I do help you. If I'm tired, if I have something important going on, guess what? I'M YOURS. You got my time.
Damn! I needed to type this. Cuz I just got my answer.
DEEP BREATH.
