Touch me again..

*Music, that is.

Unforgettable Paid Dues

Feel free to click the images.. Enjoy.





Believe me.. there's more to come!
AND I'm not even adding all the pictures my brother's gf took, not to mention me.

Knowledge of Self

For about a yr now [last half of last year & beginning of this year], I've been heartless. Forget Kanye, listen. I was on my anti-social shit. On my grind, converse w/strangers but purely w/money on my mind. Acknowledging others' feelings yet making mine a priority. I tried to figure out why I was the way I was. Many times I had an answer, other times I was back to questioning myself. Then Joe Budden provided therapy for me again.

[Shouts to M* over @ SunriseSundown.blogspot.com for calling me a Joe Budden stan.. Beeyotch!!]

Anyway..
· Happy Holidays (let ME break it down, Let ME Relate)

"I don't need a party but a nigga need cake"
· Sadly, a part of me still feels like I just need money, not attention. Unless the attention is gettin' me paid. [See?]
"Cause I got to much on my plate to celebrate"
· I can just sigh here because it's how I FEEL. Daily.
"Whole family unemployed so income's now a void. Footin' everybody's bills, so naturally I'm annoyed"
· I can't even begin to tell you how I felt as I heard these words. Like, word?! I FUCKIN' FEEL THIS! Check my past blogs, seem like all I did was fuckin' complain! Smh. Livin' w/Mother, Brother, Brother & occasionally the love of my life. & yet I can't give my one my time because I must take care of the rest w/o asking for ANYTHING in return. My attitude changed. My already rough exterior became steel & was purposely throwin shots out in order to get shot back.

*forehead on right hand*

& to walk amongst my fam irritated as fuck because even though I don't ask for a thing I can't get a Thank You! I can't get a hug?! I can't get a "How are you, Jenny?!"

*teary-eyed*

"It's like the year kinda flew by & like a fool I sat back & scrutinized"
· I live my life, day by day I take it. & I'm getting older. Don't mean to be obvious but I'm just sayin' I know I'm still young [22, folks] but my daily routine is making me age quicker than I expected. I look back this yr & all I see is work in my crystal ball. So I think of what's wrong, what I did wrong, what I could have changed... smh.

"I'm high beaming on a dark road; All my goals now ashes on charcoal.."
· I know this can't be IT for me. It can't. It must not be. It shouldn't!

*sigh*

I remember a young [naive] girl w/plans of going to college, graduating, seeing pride in my father & mother's eyes for the first time in my life.

"Just cause my hearts cold; I'm carrying cargo"

& instead I stand working two jobs, rarely sleeping, single parent of a beautiful boy w/a failed marriage in my closet.

"No offense. Don't need a phone call or presents. I mean, honestly, I don't want none of ya'll present. 'Cause I won't pretend like my everyday struggles went away so imma treat this like any normal day."
· My smile, so genuine, yet such a disguise. My eyes though, for those who take the time to look into, will share struggle & truth. Thing is, I wouldn't allow you to look into my eyes. I didn't want you around. YOU didn't deserve my time. My time was worth more than your pathetic lifestyle. Just another day, though. Not even thankful for it, just alive.

*!* Random fact: April & December were always my favorite months. Because those were the times I'd visit my family in Mexico..

BARRA DE NAVIDAD, JALISCO EHHHH!

Oh.

Yeah, so This Month. I've changed drastically! To my knowledge anyway. I've been in high spirits, feeling positive, a want has shown itself to spend more time w/those I reside with. I've placed myself in their shoes & have become more understanding. I've grown accustomed to my work schedule & am accepting of it [well, some days hehe.. I be tired sometimes, sheesh!] I'm thankful every day I get the opportunity to provide for my babies [mom, bros, love]. It's a beautiful struggle once again.

& God, I thank You for testing me. I thank You for making me so strong. I thank You for holding me tightly when I felt alone. I thank You for reminding me daily of what I do have. Thank You for gratitude.

Oh Lord, why is it so hard to hold onto faith though?
Why is it so easy to refuse to believe You exist?

God..

You there?

Over a month ago..

My beautiful mother, grandmother, aunt & aunt-in-law ;)

My uncle got married.. again.

Her name is Vanessa & she's thee most polite & well-mannered woman I've ever met. & boy does she have a contagious smile. I hope & pray she takes care of my uncle. He deserves love & understanding.

I saw their vows [recorded] & my uncle cried.
So did I.
I had never seen him break down like that. Certainly a side I desperately wanted to get to know.

After that day, I was a believer in matrimony once again.

However, today, I can tell you I am still damaged & not a believer. Nonetheless, I continue hoping & praying for my uncle's happiness.

Hood, but still formal..

People in my life need to understand how honest I am as a person. I don't make excuses & if that's what you hear, you're not really listening to me. I'm an outspoken & straight-forward person. I'm as sweet as can be but if you're not a good person & you can't see that for yourself, I will stray from you w/o a goodbye. That may not be the right way to go, but if I don't give the good people in my life my time, why would I sacrifice for someone who isn't striving to improve their lifestyle/mentality?

A few nights ago, I broke down. & I was speaking to God [or myself whichever you prefer] & was hoping for someone to talk to. Someone that would understand what I was going through. Sadly no one I know has gone through what I continue to go through therefore I was, indeed, alone. One of the worst feelings for me is not having enough time for myself. & when I do have it, to feel alone.

Anyway, then a couple people reached out to me but not the way I had prayed for. It wasn't meant for their time to give, it was meant for me to drop everything for them. & I wanted to be mean. I wanted to be so raw with them & provide them with facts. Like DON'T hit me up askin' why I don't show you love when you have someone at home pregnant with your child! Are you fucking' serious? Whyy the fuck do you want me to bust a MySpace & "show u love" once a day. I don't have time for that madness. Grow the fuck up. Support YOUR life, find YOUR happiness. Don't look for it from someone not so local, please. I'm actually begging. Then there's that other cat who says he's soo in love w/his wife but misses me around 2, 3, in the morning. Or how about that other married boy who doesn't motivate himself & his wife can't either, but I can!! So he goes to the gym. LOL.

Is 2009 the year of thee unfaithful?? Mannnn whether or not they read this, they've gotta be happy I haven't named names. & if they're smart, they won't want to talk to me about this post.

I've said it before & I'll say it again: I do this for me.

You're just here because I've allowed you to be. Owww!

8-)

Confession

I remember a time where I felt too smart for my own good. Where I UNDERSTOOD that saying. I'd ask questions & relatives would give me false answers. Saw the untruth in their face & even my own mother looked me in the eyes & saw something I didn't. A huge STUPID tattooe'd on my face because she, too, chose to lie. Even after I had found evidence contradicting her words & making her backtrack, backspace, stumble, stutter her vocab. Reedonkulous. It was the family I kept closest to my heart that ultimately made me self-destruct. Almost.

"Though I been lied to, was once suicidal..."

Though no one else gives me credit, I'm honest enough to give it to myself. & my how much I've grown. I'm happy I haven't chosen to get revenge on those that thought less of me. & to those that underestimate me: I forgive you & continue to pray. For you know not what you do or say.

Spotted Elsewhere

"This is my life, it's a battle within, gotta survive, even if I'm sinnin to win! Put me in a position, got me out on a mission.This is the gift I was given so I live by my vision.This my opportunity I feel like anything goes,So I give it my all. The closest ones to me know I'm holdin it down, You gon' feel me one day, we gon' be heard in the town. IT AINT OVER FOR ME! I'ma step my game up and get whats comin 2 me."

-Oscar Menjivar [he's googleable]

Recovery & Relaxation

Amongst my restless/stressful days I wake up to a new one that FEELS brand new. Amount of hours of sleep doesn't matter because your energy is upbeat & your smile is ever so contagious. & not just for the first few hours, not just until that pissed off person brings you down.. Nah. ALL day. Because those with an attitude or those depressed, miserable can't make you unhappy. You feel alive. You feel blessed. You're cheering others up. You're even called beautiful by friends & strangers.. As you realize you're rockin' the natural look-no make-up. Yes, it's a beautiful day & should be kept as thee top memory in your mind, for you don't get too many of those good days, now do you?

4.16.9 Recovery & Relaxation

Shouts to "Rap's Quentin Tarantino": 14thCentury. [Twitter.com/14thCentury]

Felíz Cumpleaños Ma' Licho..!

Te quiero y extraño los tiempos pasados.

Curiouser & Curiouser

[I may or may not have used this title before..]

So going by this quote I love & live by: "Relationships are never a threat, 'cause I'll erase the history & act like we never met." - Jumpoff Joe Beezy [lol]

Doesn't everyone deserve a chance? Wait nah that's not how I want to start cuz I can tell you right now, hell nah everyone doesn't deserve a chance.

Ok.. Take two.

On one hand: I'm a nice person. & people want to be around me. On the other hand: I'm a mean person. & people still want me around. I'm a very picky person as to who deserves my time. Word. It's most definitely like that. So when I delete someone who I once thought I cared for, you wouldn't BELIEVE how hurt they seem to be [I use the word DELETE because in this day & age of technology vs quality face-to-face time, just like I'd take u out of my address book I can 'delete' you from my life]. Especially when they reach out to you. Whether it's a phonecall, text or visit. & I'm sittin' there thinkin', "Whose number is this?" Or "Damn they still alive?"

Idk. I'm sure those I choose to not associate with will find their worth one day. For the meantime, I won't allow them to share my value.

Though it really is that easy, I can't seem to treat the father of my son in such a way. As deceiving, evil, malicious, mean, spiteful he is, I won't allow myself to treat him the same. Then again I don't treat him period. Everything's strictly about Andrew. Well I try to make it anyway. He doesn't like the way things are. But it's necessary.

Babblin' Jenn.

Monetize my Stress

I do it so much [stress], might as well give the bloody thing some value.

When people go through bad things or they're trying to better their situation & no progress is being made they ask why. Even you nonreligious folk, [shouts to bananaclipse.com] must ask why. Whether or not it's to someone or something, question lingers in the air & is repeated by many. Some have asked it so often, they don't even ask to get an answer. They just keep surviving.

I know for me, I'm tired of making it through another day, another shift. I WANT TO LIVE! I.. I want to live.

"..it's always a million more pages but my stupid ass keep thinkin' I'm on the last chapter." - Joe Budden

Then I think, I'm young. & still have YEARS of WORK left.. Why are you bummed now?

I just know I'm meant for so much more. A better more fulfilling life than this. I'm not meant for this labor. However, I'm not sure what it is I want to be when I grow up anyway.

Care to Share?

"Tell me what you're going to do, to get free."

A lot of homicides & murders going on lately. Makes me wonder HOW God can allow this madness to continue. As often as I thank Him for many things, I don't thank Him for everything so I wonder if He even exists.

Too many questions that have been asked frequently.. I just. Lately, I've been living for me. & I'm changing. Frankly, I will be making those that think they know me, confused. & I'm anticipating losing contact w/some.

I just know that I have a vision of the woman I once was. A GOOD WOMAN. A woman that knew herself & knew that even though she can satisfy, is able to improve. Then I wake up to the reality of what I am, daily. & I'm disgusted. I don't like it. I don't approve. I can touch your heart here but my reality is of a beautiful, old soul that doesn't have a chance to share her inspirational stories. She doesn't allow herself to empower others by way of conversation. Family isn't what she once knew as a child, it now exists only in a fairytale. My reality consists of working at least 16hr days & is angry for at least half of what's left because those she cares for can't understand why she doesn't "hit em up," "show 'em love," "call," etc,. Mann go find a hobby! I'm working hard now, I'm taking care of myself, I miss you but to stop isn't an option.

What am I gonna do, to be free? I'm going to work hard to obtain the things that money can buy. & when I'm not at work I plan to acquire knowledge & wisdom that will make me a better woman.

See, already, I have people that gravitate towards me. Thing is, I want to give myself that kind of attention. Giving, giving, giving (to you & "them") is sucking me dry.

O:-)

Unforgettable Beings

..God.. bless them always.

You ever get to know someone that has such a good soul?

Someone with such a meaningful spirit?

Someone that continues to touch that heart of yours when you least expect it?

Knowing that even though that sweet, sweet friendship with this someone won't be able to thrive on a daily basis, yet you still hang on because the worth is ever so priceless.

He reminds me of strength.
He reminds me of hope.
& boy does he remind me I can do better.

I want to wish him a Happy Birthday today..

Troy, Happy Birthday!!

You're amazing & your achievements are inspiring.

Bless your heart.

..that evil seed may grow into a positive force..

I sit & contemplate, wondering what's the next move I should make.
I don't like this negativity, surrounding me, taking over my energy.
I mean I'm angry & yet I make others feel lovely.
How does my smile become temporary? After all there aren't many days where I'm very..
Sad. -Is what I am. I can uplift myself but tonight is like damn.
It's only been three years & I can't help but start planting seeds to my future tears.
What is to become of me? I just want everyone to let me be.
At the same time, I seek guidance. & I'm so tired of my nightmares involving me resolving shit with violence.
What to do.. What to do.. Yo God, I just want to hear from You.

Here we go again, Jenn. Look in front of you, you got a friend.
You don't have to hold back your tears, but be strong because you don't hold onto the worst fears.
Look at that miracle you work so hard for; don't be discouraged you will see more..
Of him.-Just be patient, it's okay to vent. You don't have it so bad though, most of your stress comes from the rent..
Oh & the expenses & that evil male that can't live without fuckin' w/your senses.
You're emotionally, mentally, physically tired & yet there's no way that anyone understands that you won't allow yourself to hear "You're fired."
Though you have yet to find your calling, your head's on straight & you've done good at stopping yourself from falling.
Give your friends a chance perhaps some of your time. If you don't your life will pass you by since you're out there chasing every goddamn dime.
Just keep his smile close to your soul, soon you will understand why you hold such a role.

God bless you. God bless me.

Best Breakfast of '09

A tall Java Chip Frappe + Sausage Sandwich Wrap (eggs, cheese, sausage,
whatever that delicious wrap was.. Ima get the official name later) but
I got it @ Starbucks.. *Nacho Libre voice* the beessst.

Ramses.