Tears Gone Cold.

When I was little I used to visit my aunt's house very often. I don't even remember my brother as a child but that's a tale for another day. On one visit I accompanied my aunt, uncle, and two cousins on a hiking "trip." It was a one day thing in which we walked and climbed and were careful with the boulders and streams surrounding us. In circles it felt like but gradually I did realize we were getting to a higher altitude. As we approached a much slower pace I stopped and looked up to my surprise a gorgeous waterfall. My eyes looked from the bottom all the way to the top in which I saw a huge rock. It looked as if it were to fall with one hand gently placed on top. And to my amazement, water was coming down, rushing almost as if to escape some horrendous threshold. Water coming down under that huge rock. I realized the rock was placed in between two boulders and the waterfall started underneath that rock. I was fearful but as my eyes returned below to the landing of the water, I noticed children. Children in the water. Merry, smiling, screaming joyfully. Raising their arms and hands to the sky. And I was filled with faith. Faith and effortless happiness. My uncle called for me, I snapped out of my "zone" and joined them near the landing. I was wondering if we [my cousins and I] were able to go in the water like these careless kids but my question was soon answered when my aunt encouraged me to do so. I placed my feet on the edge of the water and the water in between my toes was so cold. Cold but so welcoming. And so I went in. And actually walked under the waterfall and sat behind it in this little "seat" that was part of the mountain. I stood up, dived in the shallow water, and swam to free my soul. To free my soul.

And ever since then I never felt the same. As the years passed by, my spirit soon followed my soul in the sense of being free. And that caused me to act a certain way with others. Unattached, single if you will, and not trusting anyone completely.

As I got older I evaluated my life and thought of the past and how it changed me to this young lady glaring at me in the mirror. I knew myself extremely well. I didn't lose myself despite the betrayals caused by what I thought my BestFriendsForever, and the bruises left on my heart from me allowing boys to hurt me in a way that's impossible to heal.

A soul and spirit so free that LOVE became something I was IN love with. Not so much to commit because I later learned that what I did with my husband wasn't commit but obey. A hurtful relationship that's caused me to look like a walking scar to the trained eye. Again, I must stress that I allowed myself to be hurt and I continue to allow myself to live amongst other humans as a scar.

I'm working on it but it's so hard to forgive when you have so many distractions.

Moving forward.

♥°

To Those That's In It For Love.

Shout outs to

".. all of those that like to dig for oldies, yo, the hunt is on." [Buck 65]

PLEASE check out ZAKKALICIOUSNESS
[make me wanna lick my lips sayin' that name; mm!] @

http://copenhagengirlsonbikes.blogspot.com/

That post hit close to home..
LA baby!! [Born & Raised ;-D..]

★

Cal Pacific Orchid Farm

Today I made a short but oh so heart-warming trip to the Cal Pacific Orchid Farm in the "Flower Capital of the World." Beautiful doesn't BEGIN to describe the 36,000 sq ft of greenhouse space.

Sooo many orchids to choose from as u may already know since this facility is dedicated only to growing orchids. They search the world for the "highest quality orchid" in addition to growing their own.

If you ever find yourself less than one mile from the Pacific Ocean in Encinitas, Cali DO stop by.. It's open to the public!

1122 Orpheus Ave
Leucadia, CA 92024
(760) 436-0317
FAX: (760) 436-3549

Mon-Fri: 8A-4P
Saturday: 9A-4P

☆

UUUGGGHHH!!

I love Andrew more than anyone and anything therefore impossible for me to hate his father ever. Why? Because Andrew is a part of him :)

But boyyyy can that "man" make my blood pressure rise higher than the Empire State building [see what I did there? Lil' shout-out to NY there :-P]

So.

"There's so little time left and yet there's so much space, thinkin' why don't you give me a call later on so we can touch base."

BECAAUUUSSSEEEE!

I'm just.

"Used and confused, goin' about the whole scheme wrong, ass backwards from the closin' credits to the theme song."

Sigh.

"Take that away and I'll have nothing left, unless you include my love, in which case, death is not an option and neither is brainwashing, so when you enter my temple, maintain caution. Don't speak if you can't speak intelligently, forget your dynamite and skeleton key. When the mob comes running with pitchforks and torches, I'll be safe and surrounded by sound inside my fortress walls. The waters of the motor are all alligator infested, every situation has later been tested.

"It's weird wearin' two different shoes at once. It's all water under the bridge, it'll make sense one day when sunsets are digital."

GRR.

"This collection of sketches are rough and scattered; arranged by instinct.

"Your story goes with this but for it to make sense you'd have to be me, and for it to make dollars, I'd have to be something I despise. Don't ask me how I manage, no one gets paid to make change.

"I'm wondering how I got here, who besides me is responsible?"

ZZZ!!

*close curtain as Buck & I bow*

You Will Know Me.

I'm a leader. I'm intelligent. My mind is in many different topics at once about 18 hrs of each day. I'm strong enough to look at bullshit in the face and not "over"react. But I'm tired. When's my break comin' in?

"I look at people look at me, how am I supposed to feel?

The final approach is upon me, I can feel it." - 65

★

Tired.

I'm so complex. Who will I open up to? So many people say they're missunderstood. Well, I say, when will I allow myself to be understood?

"Please forgive our indiscretions and perversions, and always grant us the insight to determine. From here to kingdom come, thy demands will be respected, ashes to ashes, and the harvest is collected. May He vanquish those who trespass against us, and never trust those who must act as gangstas. Give us direction, provide us protection, keep our temple from infection." Buck.

kinda sleepy-tired head..

I just been feelin' Buck 65 this May.. Vibe w/me.

"You ain't feelin' me 'til you feel what I feel, I ride by myself on one wheel, but I deal with the fact that you take what you get and ignore the shit and the piss that goes with the territory. Compare the story stuck to the fridge to that of the hermit living under the bridge. One counts his blessings and asks, "What are my debts?," the other collects cash in butterfly nets. Talk about stuck, can't even begin to know, pants around my ankles and I'm waitin' for the wind to blow, waitin' for the sun to shine, question mark, underline, lookin' for the perfect break, it seems as though they're none to find. The highest heel couldn't make me feel inferior, 'cause you can't ever really camoflauge your interior. So even though sometimes I hide in the undergrowth, I say my graces as if I were under oath."

"..guess but you'll never know where I've been: around the block twice, across hell's half acre..."

Bleh.

So. Again. I find myself, wondering, what the fuck, Jen.

Excuse the language, matter fact, I don't give a fuck at the moment.

So I need a brand new pair of batteries. Fuck the bunny give me a cheetah ya dig.

Moving on.

I got an email from PE$0 reppin' Expressive Frontier.
I have a few things to say about that blog..

Pretty damn original and definitely kept my spirits up.

They're being added to the right. 'Cuz they are not wrong ya dig. lol that was so lame. I think I'm tired now.

Check out the creativity and be inspired.

www.eflifestyle.com

SMILE.

"I look good, always, but especially today, professionally fresh on display like hey, take a picture, it's not a dream, I'm flat out gorgeous. Maybe it's because I eat a lot of oranges. I don't know, I can't help it, I'm not even tryin', really, I'm hot, you think I'm lyin'? Look at my ass and pants, give it more than a passing glance, stare at it a while. Compare it to a peach, each cheek if you can bear it. Breathe me in deeply, I'm like an airy breeze, whisperin', blowin' through the branches of the cherry trees. I'm a treat, I'm a nice little surprise for your eyes, look too long though and it could be your demise. It ain't a disguise, I'm flyer than an eagle, sky's the limit, besides the fact that I'm barely legal. It's too easy, I'm sorry I can't help askin' it, and bad news, I'm gettin better lookin' with every passing minute. I'm pretty, pretty, but I take it all in stride, thing is I'm even more beautiful on the inside. I'm nice, I'm so nice, with the winning smile, I'm stylish in fashion, make a wish with my eye lashes. I'm magical, actually casual traditional, mystical, in top physical condition. Well-oiled machine, perfectly peachy keen, it's freaky really, equally squeaky clean frequently.

"I look good and you look good, but not as good as me.
I'm so dope."

Mm..

"Piss off the wrong person you think you're defending, with promises made they may be just pretending.

"If you need to be told what to say, get a teleprompter.

"I try to be nice and take care of my appearances, keep out of trouble and trifle interferences."

My favorite:

"I get what I want but got no one to share it with, I feel it in my chest and nothin' to compare it with.

"Show me your photographs and tell me a ghost story, as long as it doesn't involve your ex-[girl]friend. Stars glow in the dark until the first sign of daylight, I like human contact but I don't like to play fight.

"Somebody call me, my number's unlisted, some stories are straight and others come twisted.

"The story of my childhood is bad luck and crisis.

"If I be myself, I'll be by myself, but I don't wanna be remembered by the way I've been rendered. No I don't...

"I hope to goodness that I'll always be aware and sure of myself."

Come BUCK with me!

Those guys :-)

How cool that Ash Brannon's CA license plate is LZTYBRN haha!

"Things that matter the most here being, reflect and direct on the gleam that your seeing." - Buck 65

Just Another Day.

"The path of radical thought is mathematical."

"Old-fashioned outfits and it also appears that gratuities are greater when you don't wear braziers.
They give you their orders and watch when you write 'em,
wishing that you could be their menu item.
They wanna be breast-fed the day you get work off,
with you in their thoughts, they walk home and then jerk off.
You look like a model, so young and intrepid.
Your regular customers are old and decrepid.
The food here is rotten, but the service is stellar,
I know that I love her, and I wish I could tell her.
But they don't know your name, 'cause you don't really care, as long as they tip you and stay in their chair.
They swallow their tongues with the venom of thirty vipers,
if you tell them a lie, it changes their dirty diapers."

Ima have to serve fools cuz everyone's going crazy in this house and I'm the strongest.

I LOVE...

So you know for the younger kids, their interests may be based on what they are exposed to.. which is fine but as they get older it's great to explore and find your own identity then stay true to yourself.. blah blah blah.

When Andrew and I decide to watch a movie it's most likely going to be a computer animated movie as opposed to the original Disney movies with strictly drawings from the storyboard.. *DONT GET ME WRONG I LOVE THEM AND THANK MY MOTHER SO MUCH FOR HAVING ALL DISNEY MOVIES on VHS prior to the Platinum series released on DVD, and soon (now?) BluRay*

Okay so he likes Pixar movies a bit more than the Dreamworks movies and I found that extremely interesting.

His favs: both Toy Story's and that fish movie lol.


And I'm basing it on what gets his attention the most.


He has yet to see Monster's Inc., and Ratatouille but The Incredibles didn't have his attention as much.. Anyway just like I've been collecting all the Disney movies from the Platinum edition I made it my mission to collect all Pixar movies made so far..



I am so anxious for:

Cars 2 *Summer 2012!!*


and as mentioned above,



Toy Story 3!! [ahem, June 18, 2010 ahem]




And you better believe I'm watching Toy Story next year and Toy Story 2 in 2010 when they're released in 3-D muahaha!

I think John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton, Pete Doctor, Lee Unkrich, and Joe Ranft (God bless his soul) are absolutely amazing! I admire them so much and I'm always anxious and pleased with the special features on their movies, sometimes Disc 2 lol. I make sure to go through everything and am so intrigued by the process of making their movies. Especially the storyboard pitch OH MANN all those little white sheets with tons of post-it notes everywhere demanding to revise LMAO. When John, Andrew, Joe, and Pete were gathered around and discussing Toy Story after its 10 yr release it was incredibly humble for them to reminisce and share their stories.


I just know that they continue to tell a story and not just something that sells but something that is meaningful and definitely leaves a long lasting positive effect for me. I mean each movie has a stroy! A creative story with sincerity and oh so hilarious. This admiration/infatuation/and respect is the reason I buy and share and watch these movies with Andrew :)

So YOU KNOW I want to see that love story with that cute robot aka Johnny 5's long lost son lmao.. this summer.. Should be exciting to watch with Andrew and possibly hearing him say Waaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllll-EEEEEEEEEEEEEE ;-D all throughout the movie MUAHAHA.

But seriously. Think back to Toy Story in 1995!! How they started this phenomenon with just "an idea" and pushed the limits of animation and computer technology and they continue to do so.. All while building the close relationships through their "coffee breaks" or "working so hard til 3am" lol ;-) ;-) As I imagine these grown ass men playin' with their childhood toys.. Laser taggin' on the hallway hahahaha.

M-U-C-H respect.

P.S.

Do
NOT


get me started on those short films --WHERE IT ALL STARTED!!
*I got the BluRay ;-)*


P.S.S. The Adventures of Andre and Wally B.. before me and before Pixar!! hehe Don't trip George Lucas u still makin' that money lol I still be seein' THX ;-) all over the Pixar peliculas.

Buck seis-cinco.

I'm the intesifying image of your last hope incarnate, five percent fairytale and ninety-five of me is hardwork and I rarely fail. Even though I'm very pale, I wear a suit of armor and in the summer time I ride my bike and get a farmer's tan.

The Carpentar.

This dresser is for my mom and I recently received a nightstand with F a i r y l i k e L a d y carved in the drawer.My brother made it and he's making my mom's dresser :)

Sad.

I'm so sad.

I wish I had friends to express how I feel and what I go through in order to receive some motivation because obviously I'm lacking inspiration.

I don't know what to do.

B____ 65.

I'm surprised at how uninventive I've been.
I'm frozen, but my mind's made up and I've chosen
to lock the door behind the next person that goes in.
Raindrops keep falling on my cheeks and on my trusty
little halo over my head, and so it's getting rusty.
I've been poked by so many fingers
that getting poked by fingers don't bother me no more.
I feel like a jelly fish, unselfilized,
uncivilized, unspecified, unspecialized.

Currents carry me, my own endurance buries me.
Deterrents make me weary, so I wear this ring for reassurance.

Dreamin' Buck.

I won a one way ticket to hell in a handbasket.
It seems like I got it made, and then I begin to feel
like I'd give up all my winnings for another chance to spin the wheel.
I don't know if I have a prayer or a hope in Heaven,
all I know is that I'm afraid to read my horoscope.
It makes me wanna holler or at least let out a yell.
I'd give up my next life if I thought that it would help.
I don't wanna play no more, I just wanna get to sleep,
'cause most likely sleep will let me forget about the other people
that haven't been able to make me stop feeling
like the demons are hiding behind the walls and in the ceiling.
My catcher always told me, "You can't hit what you can't see."

San Diego :)

My brother is always wearing exclusive shirts.. And today he had one on that I actually liked, lol and I was curious enough to ask what he was wearing. The Lovewright Co. Unfortunately he fell asleep WHILE WEARING IT before I could snap a pic or two so I decided to research a little and came upon these shirts:

[shown above] that I adored as well. Check 'em out at:

www.lovewrightco.com or mauveonline.com..

~Something I haven't personally checked out yet is TheUpStarts.com. I hear they got these 13 tracks of Classic Hip Hop.. Hmmm..

~Also, the Swiv Tackle Circus [STC] usually has some worthwhile event to go to.. "Get Swivtacular @ THE GREATEST GALLERTIQUE ON EARTH" lol pretty cool though..

As Lil Wayne's parts in The Crackhouse are boomin' in my ears..

"Joey don't do it. Joey done did it....
---
N if they piss u off u shit on them.."

Ahhhh [happy smiles]

hi.

You ever just find yourself waking up smiling he'll'a hard or tried goin' back to sleep and u keep opening your eyes cuz u have to readjust your face because your smile is so big it's interrupting your journey to sleep? Haha

Well, I know what that's like. I either had a phenomenal dream and I'm waking up remembering every detail and I giggle while I'm awake after the fact. Or I got a rare but so worthwhile phonecall from a dear friend of mine that after we hang up I can't wipe the fuckin smile off my face.

Yo. Trip out. A few months ago I'd get late night phonecalls from Brooklyn and it was always some useless information lol so I started silencin my phone cuz well it's all about me. My schedule is different from other 21 yr olds. I don't stay up late intentionally. I don't go out and all that jazz; I don't know I'm getting old. Anyway the reason is my bed time is 8:30 lol same as my boy and Im awake by 7 every day. Now, ppl that know me KNOW I love sleep. Ppl that used to know me knew that I was able to sleep whenever wherever. Well these last few months it has not been the case. I find myself stressin' or worryin' about hell'a different things. My community, happiness, the world, life, money, family I deal with directly and family I deal with down South. Shit even politics has found its way, smh. It varies. But if I happen to go to sleep @ 8:30 I wake round 9 or right after my son goes to sleep [8:40, smh] and as soon as I wake an everlasting thought enters my brain and I can't release it. Mann it sucks!! Then I can't sleep. That shit aint coo!

So yeah that little novel explainin' why I silence my phone cuz I'm gon get my sleep u know?

For about two weeks now no matter how hard I try I am unable to sleep. Layin' in the dark readin' or just resting I can't. So my phone got the sound back. I figured. Why not. Brooklyn still calls me when he needs to talk about Nacho Libre or some other bitch he fuckin lol.

Today I'm takin' my boy to get his shots and of course unable to sleep when he slept AGAIN. I get irritated but eventually I dozed off. Woke up staring at my phone like it wasn't mine and how'd it get in my hand lol. Point is I haven't had a fulfilling morning since January lol and this particular phonecall. Well, he made my summer. Aww. Shutup! lol.

..........

You had me at hello NY.

:)

A trigajizillion thank you's love.

How I feel.

Intro:
"In my darkness I knew now upon this object of nature, and now upon that, and find it impossible to soothe my restless head, however much I wish it. This perpetual action of mine deprives me almost wholly of sleep."

I haven't slept, sleep being the cousin of death, and as I lay there awake at night there wasn't a breath that exited my body that didn't coincide with the recycled evaluation of feelings that I know inside. I hope that I can climb my way back to dreamland pretty soon.

[[ B U C K 6 5 ]]

B-B-Buck!!

"I'm having second thoughts and it tears me apart.
Holdin' on to my breath for dear life, feeling confused yet
still enthusiastic about the sound of music.
Join me please.

"I'm told passion is my specialty but really I'm old-fashioned.

"I'm not the favorite kind of companion for the average person.

"I try to do what I do with love instead of with anger
and sometimes I bite my nails 'cause real life is a cliffhanger.

"The older I get, the more life starts to make sense,
and the less I care."

You're like "a game worth winnin' from the beginnin' of the first inning."

"It's nice to hear the sad songs played on the piano.

"I don't act hard and waste time with irrelevance,
or underestimate" your "intelligence.
I do what I do with skill and sincerity,
I am what I am, not a fraud or a parody.

"The race is over and I won, these are not contradictory facts.
All that's left now is victory laps,
and I have no intention of slowing the pace,
so unless you're a sucka, you won't be showin' your face.
And guess what else, I don't want to shake hands
or make friends or make amends, so don't make plans,
'cause not only not can you ride on my coat tails,
I wouldn't even let ya clean the dirt out of my toenails.
I consider your style to be garden variety,
and you can't go around actin' hard in society.
It's only gonna lead to frustration, more depression,
and vague illusions over a minor key chord progression.
So continue the chase by all means,
but ya might want to think about what it is you're chasin'.
'Cause if your foes is your own tail and ya try to match his wit,
it may be like pickin' up dimes with a catcher's mit."

that Buck! (65)

"If you want to live, follow me, I got the strategy and tactics,
The Kingdom has fallen to the tragedy of wackness,
but as long as I have fingers that's prehensile and opposable,
then I'll be using pencils and disposable pens or whatever it takes for me to document the chronicle,
and convert these crusaders from tragic back to comical.
Then we'll have to stage a cou or else we should convince the prince that instead of using instruments,
the DJs should provide the drums.
Besides the fact that no one's gonna recognize the sovereignty,
as long as the existing system keeps us all in poverty.
We must control the population just like those in Asia do,
and cloning must be outlawed or else it'll be deja vu every two minutes.You wanna talk about repetitive?
Let the shephards count the sheep,
we'll have a stronger acting sedative 'til all of us are off to sleep,
so let's wage war and transfer power back to us and don't take no for an answer."

Buck 65.

"Sometimes I want to cry because I'm sick of this daily vomit,
and somethin' dope comes along about as often as Haley's comet.

"I'm eatin' out instead of buying groceries 'til the money's busted."

Buck 65

"It takes more than a mask and make-up to hide insanity,
soon you will be judged with the sins of pride and vanity."

Brooklyn, baby...

Congratulations R. Darling!!

See you at the top son ;-D

"I Told You So."

My step-dad is outstandingly stubborn and I don't know what my biological father is like. I'm also unsure if stubbornness can be inherited.

I know what makes me happy and what makes me unhappy.

I admit that for awhile I allowed to be in pain. And I know that it was great for a good year to find myself again and just live life. It felt so good to do that. I was owed that and I definitely took advantage.

Now I find myself in that same dim light and I can't help but say, "I told you so."

I'm tired of letting it get to me and thinking I have no choice.

On the other hand, I'm hell'a glad I got my family behind me and that I am no longer keeping quiet about things. They know what's going on and what's most important in my life.

God. Help me.

I've read that if you stay positive and keep a life of faith and perseverance you will succeed. Because God has that in store for you. And it could take a day, week, month, year for me to see what God has actually been up to behind the scenes but if I don't lose faith, I will be saved.

I wonder what God feels. Nevermind. No I don't.

I want to say so much right now. But I can't. I just want to cry. But I won't.

Never have I experienced freedom as much as I did when I spent a few days and nights in New York. And damn do I miss that.

I miss waking up and getting ready and going to explore and writing everything down in my little brown thing. Why won't I do that here? I'm sure I don't know everything that's going on here. I mean my city may not be a metropolitan area, in fact it's so damn remote, but still I haven't gone out to explore so how would I really know. Sigh.

I also miss being a morning person. It's like no matter how early or late I sleep the night before, I am awake at 7 cranky as hell. Every day it gets better though. But it's always around the afternoon that I get mad at myself for not being more productive at an earlier time lol.

*shakes fist*

Grr at me!!

I'm working so hard to be at a better place. It's time to show something for it.

God. Help me please.

I don't want to be angry anymore. It's uncomfortable.

I've said too much already.

In A Sentimental Mood.

I can see the stars come thru my room
While your loving attitude is like a flame that lights the gloom
On the wings of ev'ry kiss
Drift a melody so strange and sweet
In this sentimental bliss you make my Paradise complete
Rose pearls seem to fall
It's all like a dream to call you mine
My heart's lighter since you made me this night a thing divine

In A Sentimental Mood
I'm within a world so heavenly
For I never dreamt that you'd be loving sentimental me

-Duke Ellington/John Coltrane-

For Whomever..

"When you blame others, you give up your power to change."

R.A.