Where art thou StaBiLity?

When I think about money I think about how I would help my family financially. That would ultimately lower their levels of stress and in turn make room for happiness and then give me another reason to smile nowadays. I just. I need to keep busy. Not let a silent moment pass [unless I'm sleep] because I think too much of what my plans are and that's not a good thing for me because all I end up doing is thinking. And when I keep busy, things look up for me. Point is, I know what I need to do, but I don't do it. And when I do I'm disappointed because opportunities I thought I had have slipped away due to non-genuine people selling lies. It's like when am I gonna get my break? Am I creating my own darkness stopping myself from seeing the light? How do I know? Am I too stubborn to see? Am I too proud? How did I become so evil? Lol, ok I'm not evil but pride, selfishness?? Is it even being selfish if I'm thinking of myself in order to prosper so that I can take care of them? I guess what I'm really trying to ask is: who's going to take care of me?

Sigh.

Waking up to this world where everyone is out for themselves really makes it hard for me to care about anyone else who may be someone with a good head on their shoulders along with a good heart/soul. One of my friends is always trying to get me to go out and meet people but I'm just like "ehhh...." I mean I'm runnin' out of excuses!

People aren't genuine anymore. They're not truthful. People telling you they love you but they don't tell you they'll continue to love you when it's convenient for them. And I'm tired. Tired of giving myself away in different ways to those people. So I don't even keep in touch with anyone but the closest ones in my circle. Let's see I have my one and only child. My beautiful mother. My two brothers. My Brooklyn dude whom I'll always have love for because he alwas makes sure to show me love no matter what time it is. And then a childhood friend of mine who actually sends me a letter every so often a month. And I'm not talkin bout a weak ass, 'Hey, how are you. Life's good. Take care.' I'm talkin' honesty that can't be summed up in a paragraph. This dude writes pages for me. Gotta love it. Much respect Big Ceases. And then to complete it, last but definitely not least. My East Coast love..

Haha! Well, he was.. Nah. I'm not gon do him like he did me. Grrrr. Damn NY assholes.

Anywho. That's my circle.

Unfortunately, my circle can't get me stability so I'm lookin' for a different shape. Lmao.

Got Life?

Everytime he wakes up and wants to cuddle with me, I tell you, there is not one worry in my mind. I'm complete. I'm full of life. I'm drifting on a cloud as he holds me tight. Cheek to cheek then a quick eskimo kiss. Then the other cheek. Then a kiss. It's so much love as he wraps his legs around me and we're rollin' around in bed. It's. It's. Happiness. Smiling so hard. And searching for his eyes only to never find them because his lids are hiding them and his dimples exposed as he's shuts his eyes tightly speaking the language that only he, himself understands. It's music to my ears. He's the only one that understands me every day around this time that we spend at least 10 minutes in each other's grasp. I am truly blessed.

Thank You God. For making me see. For making me appreciate. I'd be lost without You.

Now I sleep and pray the Lord my soul to keep.

Cranky!

I'm still not sleep which means I may be cranky in the morning! Noooooo!

I was reading though.. Tryin' to get sleepy with the SKLX light :-P and learned a few things of the cremation process as well as what CREATIVE people have done to the "cremains."

Such as, scattering..

· through fireworks
· blasted in a shotgun shell [personal fave lol]
· made into an articifial diamond! That's bling fo' ya ass huh!!? [Creepy]
· and something super neat I may partake in: enough "cremains" to be placed in a lipstick-tube-shaped thing and sent to orbit.. N be there for a few yrs b4 I re-enter the atmosphere haha.. Dope.

I think cremating someone is great.. Plus it's very economical for cemetery spaces :-D

Closing eyes now.
Thanks Google.

Haha.